Chapter 419 |
Side Story (36)
After Kang Hyukwoo died and Prism was finally together again, Jo Inchan slowly began to regain the stability he had lost.
Since Jo Inchan had been the member who fell apart the most, both mentally and physically, everyone found comfort in a daily routine defined by watching him get better year by year.
There was just one thing that continued to bother them. At regular intervals, Jo Inchan’s condition would suddenly take a sharp turn for the worse.
At first, he assumed it was because of heavy rain or cold weather aggravating his knee. But no matter how much he thought about it, the weather seemed to be nothing more than a coincidence.
What on earth was the problem?
At long last, the question that had remained unanswered finally found its destination.
[Grandmother’s Death Anniversary]
The moment he spotted those words among the calendar’s meticulously packed entries—so perfectly organized, just like Jo Inchan himself—
‘You know full well I use your phone whenever I want … fool.’
They even shared each other’s bank account passwords. If he wrote something that obvious in his calendar, of course it was going to be discovered. Maybe it was because he hadn’t touched Jo Inchan’s phone much lately. Or maybe it was because Jo Inchan hadn’t been in his right mind these past few days. Either way, it was an unbelievably careless mistake.
“…….”
It felt as though his insides were burning black.
He could have exploded in anger, asking ‘why the hell wouldn’t you tell me something this important?‘
But they already knew far too much about each other’s pain to simply push their own standpoints and vent their frustrations. Because of that, they thought too much, they hesitated too much, and neither of them could bring themselves to blame the other so easily.
If only he could simply brush it off with a simple, “Right. You must have your own reasons” or “I hope you get through it on your own.”
Yet, the love and affection they held for one another was far too immense to allow for such detachment.
‘…Anyone looking at us would probably say we’re frustrating as hell.’
Just how heavy was the kind of affection that blurred the line between ‘me‘ and ‘you‘?
How difficult was it to hold that kind of feeling for someone who wasn’t related to you by a single drop of blood?
And what did it feel like to be ready to listen to that person, only for no answer to come back, no matter how closely you listened?
“It’s so fucking awful I don’t even know what to say…….”
He didn’t particularly care whether people who didn’t know them would understand anyway.
Nam Yihwon took a deep breath before deliberately muttering in his usual casual tone.
“This is exactly why I can’t quit smoking.”
Looking at the ashtray overflowing with cigarette ash, he almost laughed.
Well, in reality, his stiff, frozen face didn’t even twitch, but it was just a figure of speech.
He wasn’t Seo Yutae, so what was with this chain-smoking?
It was practically announcing to the whole neighborhood, ‘Hey, my head is a mess right now.’
Normally, he would’ve drunk until his brain stopped working altogether before passing out. But since he was in a situation where he had to stay dead sober, he had no choice but to substitute it with something else.
‘So this is why our hyungnim doesn’t drink and only smokes.’
He deliberately let his thoughts wander to something so pointless.
“…His grandmother passed away.”
But even that distraction didn’t work. He found himself repeating the same words over and over, taking another drag each time.
“…….”
Of course he was angry.
Angry enough that while his chest grew colder and colder, his hands trembled like someone consumed by rage.
‘If I hadn’t noticed this time, just how much longer were you planning to keep it a secret, Jo Inchan?’
There were some things you could keep secret, but not this. After all the years they’d spent together, how could he hide something like this?
Even so, despite his temper, the only reason Nam Yihwon hadn’t immediately rushed over to grab him by the collar was that, when he imagined Jo Inchan enduring it all alone, aching pity took precedence over that ugly rage.
Nam Yihwon roughly raked a hand through his hair and frowned.
‘When on earth did she pass away…….’
When he was being worked to the bone under Kang Hyukwoo?
When Seo Yutae left Prism?
Or was it after they lost both Seo Yutae and Seo Yuseong?
No matter which point in time it had been, it would’ve been the worst possible moment.
‘The funeral … did he go through it alone?’
He wished something like this had happened to him instead.
Why, of all people, did it have to be Jo Inchan?
To Nam Yihwon, Jo Inchan was someone who was nothing like him.
“Hey, if you’re having such a hard time because sasaengs keep calling you, just change your number already. Seriously, I’ve never seen a celebrity refuse to change their number like you do.” “I’m still managing for now. I’ll hang in there a little longer.”
“Yihwon-ssi, your mother keeps contacting the agency saying that when she dials your number, it says it’s out of service. Did you not give her your new number?” “Yeah, yeah. Just leave it. I didn’t tell her on purpose because I don’t want her contacting me … man, becoming famous makes this kind of thing such a pain.”
Nam Yihwon was the kind of person who cut off his parents with a resolve so unwavering it could seem heartless, no matter how relentlessly they tried to contact him. Jo Inchan, on the other hand, was the kind of person who kept waiting for calls from his parents, to the point where it looked pitiful. Lately, though, it seemed he’d finally given up even on that.
Jo Inchan was someone so rooted in the past that he couldn’t bring himself to let go of even the parents who had abandoned him. How immense the loss must have been after saying goodbye to the only family he had left was beyond anything Nam Yihwon could even dare try to measure.
And he resented himself for not having been there for him back then.
Furthermore, the guilt only made him hesitate even more. Knowing the other members would undoubtedly feel the same way, he couldn’t decide how he was supposed to tell them.
‘…Was this why Jo Inchan couldn’t bring himself to say anything either?’
He didn’t think he’d ever truly be ready for this, not even if he had forever, but right then he saw Jo Inchan walking out.
“That’s mine, right? You can’t just take it without saying anything. I thought I lost it and totally panicked.”
He must have realized his phone was missing and come to get it back.
‘Maybe I should’ve just left it there.’
He’d been so shaken by what he’d seen on the calendar that he’d walked off with the phone still in his hand.
At this point, he had no right to call Jo Inchan a fool.
“Come on, give it back. I don’t have the energy for games right now.”
Just a second ago, he had been completely at a loss for how to even bring it up. But the moment he faced that forced, casual expression Jo Inchan was putting on, the words just blurted out before he could even stop himself.
“Why? Because it’s Grandma’s death anniversary today?”
Ah, he should’ve said it more gently.
He didn’t like the way Jo Inchan froze, his face draining of all color, unable to offer even an excuse or a lie.
Time passed.
And passed.
Throughout the long silence, Jo Inchan remained frozen, unable to draw even a proper breath.
“I’m sorry…….”
After what felt like forever, that was all he managed to say.
The composed mask he’d been wearing until moments ago shattered in an instant, leaving only the wreckage underneath, exposed with nowhere left to hide.
His lips parted as though trying to explain himself somehow, but not a single word would come easily.
The eyes that had always looked at him with quiet warmth now wandered anxiously across the floor without a place to land.
Why did he suddenly look so small … so utterly pitiful?
Nam Yihwon’s heart sank. All the turmoil he’d wrestled with while filling the ashtray to the brim suddenly felt meaningless. All he could see was Jo Inchan.
“Hyung, are you punishing me because I ruined your family?”
The sight of Jo Inchan looking so lost after hurting someone he loved reminded him all too much of his former self.
‘…What did hyung do for me back then?’
The thought crossed his mind, and before he could say a single word, his body moved on its own.
He reached out, took hold of Jo Inchan’s arm, and pulled him into an embrace.
He simply wanted to offer some form of comfort.
He didn’t even say, “It’s okay“, because he knew better than anyone how suffocatingly burdensome that phrase would be to bear.
The truth was, neither Nam Yihwon nor Jo Inchan was okay. Both were deeply hurt and drowning in regret.
Even so, Nam Yihwon wanted to accept his dear friend exactly as he was, broken and worn down.
Holding the rigid body that had been bracing itself for condemnation, he let out a long breath.
“…….”
Then, little by little, the tension seeped out of Jo Inchan’s body. His breathing, which had been caught in his throat, slowly began to move again, falling into rhythm with Nam Yihwon’s.
Like parched earth desperately drinking in long-awaited rain, he could feel Jo Inchan’s hands tightly clutching his back.
A moment later.
A voice, small but far steadier than before, quietly asked,
“…Why aren’t you angry at me?”
“Just because.”
“I don’t deserve to be comforted by you…….”
“Says who?”
“Why did you smoke so much? You’re going to ruin your body.”
“I smoked Seo Yutae’s share too. So hurry up and unload everything while you’re in this hyung’s broad embrace. You look awful right now. Seriously ugly. If you go see that guy looking like this and make his heart break again, you’re dead.”
“Okay.”
“I wanted to tell you I’m sorry, you know. I’m sorry for not being there by your side when you were going through such a hard time.”
“…….”
“But I’ve decided not to. You probably didn’t know I have trauma associated with that phrase, did you?”
“…Thank you.”
“Have you gone to pay your respects yet?”
“…No, I haven’t been able to visit even once since she passed away.”
“Why not? This jerk, you used to love chattering away to Grandma.”
The quiet conversation, spoken softly enough that only the two of them could hear, came to an abrupt stop.
Nam Yihwon didn’t rush him. He simply waited, and before long, a reply finally came.
“I … I hurt Grandma. That was the last conversation we ever had ……. She only said those things because she was worried about me, but I couldn’t even bear a brief moment of hardship…….”
Even though the words came out disjointed and incoherent, Nam Yihwon could piece together what had happened well enough.
The impression he had of Jo Inchan’s grandmother was of an ordinary old woman you could run into anywhere; someone whose bluntness and occasional rudeness came from a little ignorance rather than malice, yet who possessed a deep and unmistakable warmth.
When the members first met her, she’d heard about Seo Yutae’s family circumstances and, without a second thought, grabbed his hands, called him “that poor child” right to his face, and burst into tears. Jo Inchan had panicked, frantically trying to stop her.
“Hyung, I’m so sorry. My grandmother is just, a little like that sometimes…….”
“It’s fine. She’s an elder, so don’t make such a big deal out of it. I’m not bothered, so go look after your grandmother.”
It was definitely a situation that could have deeply offended anyone else, but fortunately, Seo Yutae had brushed it off. Of course, flying into a rage over it would’ve been socially inappropriate as well, but that didn’t change the fact that every member of Prism had felt awkward in that moment.
That was the kind of person Jo Inchan’s grandmother was.
To the rest of Prism, she was merely a fellow member’s grandmother whom they only ran into once in a blue moon, so they could easily look at her in a positive light and let her actions slide. Jo Inchan, however, was clearly struggling to handle her.
“Hey, I know you love your grandma, but wrong is wrong. Just tell her, nicely. Tell her you appreciate the worry, but when it crosses the line, it only makes things harder for you. Speaking up about it doesn’t mean you love her any less.” “She’ll definitely be hurt ……. She might even cry and say she raised me wrong. You know what my grandma’s like.” “Then let her be hurt. You’re a human too, so how are you supposed to go through life bottling all of that up? What’s so terrifying about just saying what needs to be said?”
Nam Yihwon had once said those very words because he hated seeing Jo Inchan torment himself. As sorry as he felt for it, there was nothing he could do. To him, Jo Inchan mattered more than his grandmother ever could.
‘He kept bottling it up, and eventually he reached his limit.’
How could anyone remain the picture of perfect kindness every moment of their life?
Regret is inevitable when it comes to things that can never return. But if you spend your life obsessing over making sure you have no regrets after someone dies, you’ll eventually neglect the life that’s still yours to live.
“You only ever worry about other people getting hurt. But every time your grandma did that, you were hurting too. If you want a relationship to last, it can’t always be one person making all the sacrifices. You have to meet each other halfway, so you don’t wear yourself down.”
“…I can’t. She’s already been through so much raising me.”
‘If Jo Inchan had grown up like an ordinary child, someone who wasn’t afraid of being abandoned by his family, someone who knew it was okay to lean on them and act spoiled once in a while … would any of this have happened?’
Love was difficult. Sometimes, despite your best intentions, you still ended up hurting each other.
Just like how Jo Inchan and his grandmother cherished each other so dearly, yet still wound up hurting one another without ever meaning to.
Everyone stumbled through the growing pains1 of love. It means Jo Inchan wasn’t particularly strange, or lacking, for ending up like this.
He only hoped Jo Inchan would realize that sooner rather than later.
“…Still, I want you to go see your grandmother.”
Resting his forehead against Jo Inchan’s shoulder, Nam Yihwon spoke quietly.
“Because even if you and I had the nastiest fight imaginable, I’d still be waiting for you to come see me. I’d be lonely without you.”
Hearing that, Jo Inchan lowered his head, lips pressed tightly together as he struggled to hold back his tears.
Smiling, Nam Yihwon gave voice to the words Jo Inchan had probably never once been able to say to himself, yet needed more than anything.
“You’d be the same, wouldn’t you?”
“…Yeah.”
They were undoubtedly clumsy when it came to love, and they both carried their own emptiness.
But perhaps, by filling the vacant void of family with each other, they could learn, one step at a time.
“Let’s all go pay our respects together. Maybe that’ll give you the courage you need.”
At least, that’s what he hoped.
You can support this translation through Buy Me a Coffee -`♡´-
Translator’s Corner:
- 성장통, literally means “growing pains“, pain symptoms that occur in growing adolescents. It is not an official medical term. While medically it refers to juvenile bone aches, figuratively in Korean literature, it signifies the inevitable emotional trauma, mistakes, and psychological agony an individual must endure to mature into a complete person. ↩︎
I just know they’re the top #1 ship among Seras
THIS WAS LIKE 1 MONTH LATE BUT GUYS I was bedridden with fever for almost two weeks asdfdjkl I think the fatigue and stress that was accumulated got released as soon as I relaxed because wdym I kept having fever everyday ,,, like it rise then drop again and rise again and drop like ???? Idk what even caused it and just waited until it passed.
Not to mention my government still kept cutting of electricity ….. my laptop has no battery and I cant find any battery replacement online since it’s old model, everything is out of stock …. I’m this close from wishing death on those higher ups in the government
Anyway, I kept tearing up at this chapter … Idk why I’m still crying over this ….. I thought you’re supposed to develop some immunity after reading it for so long, but I was rereading Baek Kiryang arc yesterday, AND STILL SOBBING? I’m a lost cause I fear
Thank you Shaloan for the Coffees!
Hope life gets better for you too, thank you so much T_T