Chapter 418 |
Side Story (35)
[JO INCHAN’S POV]
“Inchan-hyung, you remember you’re supposed to leave for Japan on the 7th, right?” “…Ah, sorry. How many days away is that?” “Today’s the 2nd, so five days from now … I knew it, didn’t you overdo it with this schedule? You look exhausted.” “Thanks.”
After my grandmother passed away, I decided that every year when this month came around, I wouldn’t count the days.
I just wanted each day to pass in a blur, as hazily as possible.
That was also why I packed my schedule more than usual and kept myself busy meeting all sorts of people.
It was a pointless effort.
[“Inchan, nobody uses Grandma’s house anymore, so wouldn’t it be okay if we sold it? Your stepfather’s business is struggling, so we desperately need whatever money we can get. Still, Mom has some conscience left. I’m trying to work hard and live right without asking you for help, aren’t I? I trust you’ll understand.”]
But if I didn’t do even that much, I felt like I wouldn’t be able to endure it.
[“…You got married? I haven’t heard a single word from you in years—”] [“You didn’t even show up when Grandma passed awa—”] [“……”] [“……”]
The scenery that resembled the lush countryside where I grew up, the old television she must have watched every day, even the back of an elderly person that my eyes followed without thinking—around this time of year, all of it hurt so much it was frightening.
[“Just leave the house as it is.”]
[“How much do you need?”]
This pain was different from the injury that had crushed my efforts and potential, different from the suffering caused by the company.
[“We’re about 400 million won in debt. We’re barely getting by right now. More would help if possible.”] [“I sent it.”]
It wasn’t the kind of shock that would leave me permanently broken the way I had been back then.
Because I could hold onto the conviction that once this difficult period passed, I would eventually return to my normal, everyday life.
[“I hope we never have to contact each other again.”]
But there was always an emptiness inside me, as though a gaping hole had been carved out of my chest.
And whenever the anniversary of my grandmother’s death drew near, the outline of that hole seemed to become clearer and clearer.
‘Ah. I’ll never be able to fill this emptiness for the rest of my life.’
Whenever that thought surfaced, I just wanted to run away blindly to wherever I could.
But the more I felt that way, the more painfully real it became; that the wrinkled hand which once held me so warmly was gone, and that I was the one who had pushed it away with my own hands.
Sometimes I spent an entire day asleep under the influence of medication. Other times I buried myself in a schedule so busy I had no time to think about anything else. It was a relief that as long as I kept running forward without stopping for breath, I could somehow endure it. But the moment I accidentally stopped, even for a second, all the pain I had ignored came crashing down on me like a delayed aftershock.
“…My car keys. Where, where are they?”
I stood there blankly for a moment before suddenly searching for them like a madman.
“I definitely left them here. They have to be here. I left them right here…….”
‘Why did I waste time so stupidly like this? What time does the columbarium close? If I go now, can I still make it in time to see her?‘
By the time I found myself searching for the keys with tears streaming down my face, I realized my hands were shaking too badly for me to drive.
So I would stumble out to the roadside and desperately flag down a taxi instead.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I can’t remember the address. Just a moment. I-I’ll check my phone. Please wait a second.”
Some drivers refused to take me, probably assuming I was drunk or high when they saw me stammering and unable to recite a simple address. I would beg them, insisting that wasn’t the case, pleading for them to believe me. And when I finally managed to tell them where I was going, their reaction would change.
“Ah.”
Only then would their gaze soften into sympathy.
The moment I came face-to-face with it, it felt as though a bucket of cold water had been dumped over my head, slowly bringing me back to my senses.
There was no way an elderly taxi driver would recognize me. It was plain as day that he had no idea who I was—he didn’t even glance at my face—and yet I still found myself pulling my cap down low.
Even in that state, I had automatically put on a hat before leaving, and the realization made me let out a hollow laugh.
Am I actually fine? Maybe there’s nothing wrong with me, and I’m only pretending to suffer because I can’t bear how pathetic I’d feel otherwise? Am I just deceiving myself?
I even started to have thoughts like that.
And when I finally arrived at the columbarium, I would find the doors firmly shut after operating hours had ended.
I could only stand there motionless, staring up at it.
I should have come sooner.
But the columbarium before me felt far too unfamiliar for such regrets.
Ever since I laid my grandmother to rest there, I haven’t been able to visit her even once.
“Alas, my poor child … I thought you were finally going to be loved and happy after growing up without parents. Oh, heavens, oh dear! If being a singer means your body and mind have to suffer like this, then just quit! If I knew it would be like this, I never should have let you do it!”
“…Please don’t say things like that, Grandma. Why do you keep making me out to be a pitiful person ……. Grandma, when you do this, it makes everything harder for me. Please, help me, please let me live, please!”
I had no face to show her.
The sound of her breathing after that desperate outburst—filled with hurt and bewilderment—was still vivid in my memory. What was so hard about enduring a few mere words? Why couldn’t I have just smiled and brushed it off like I always did? Why on earth did I have to snap right then? No matter how much I regretted it, I could never take it back now.
“Hyung, where are you going?” “I’m taking Yuseong to visit our mother’s columbarium. It’s her birthday today. Watch the dorm while we’re gone.” “…Okay. Have a safe trip.”
Only those who did their very best for the deceased while they were alive had the right to miss and mourn them.
All I could do was stand frozen here, utterly stagnant and stuck before the gates.
The trip back was astonishingly quiet.
I didn’t know whether it was because I no longer had the strength left to cry and scream, or because the sun setting beyond the window offered some small comfort that I had endured yet another day.
Why is living so difficult?
Why am I so immature and foolish that I keep repeating the same regrets?
Whenever things finally calmed down, those were always the questions that surfaced.
But even so, I couldn’t let the members notice.
“Where did you go at this hour? Mealtime’s long over.”
“…Sorry. I had something to take care of.”
Ever since Prism reunited as a complete group, every day has felt as happy as walking on clouds.
So much so that I sometimes felt anxious, wondering whether any of this was real.
It felt as though I was desperately clinging to something that didn’t belong to me.
That was how unfamiliar this happiness was to me.
What if everything went back to the way it used to be because of one small mistake? What if even the slightest misfortune slipped in and shattered the peace the members had fought so hard to build?
I couldn’t stop worrying.
“You keep causing trouble for the members.”
The person who had tormented us was no longer in this world, yet I still felt afraid that everything could return to those days at any moment.
“Inchan-ah, are you going to take opportunities away from the members just for your own sake?”
Whenever I had an especially difficult day and found myself growing weak, those memories would creep back into my mind.
I still hadn’t completely escaped the illusion my fears had created.
‘Everyone is finally getting to enjoy a peaceful life. What if I’m the one who ruins it?’
“We got a schedule during the holiday. Is everyone okay with that?” “Inchan-ah, are you sure you don’t need to visit your grandmother?” “…Yeah. If there’s a schedule, there’s not much I can do about it…….” “My mom has pretty much given up at this point, too. When you live the celebrity life, it’s really hard to visit your parents, even on major holidays. Apparently the whole family just gathers in front of the TV and watches me instead.” “Hwon, aren’t you going?” “Nope. They keep texting me asking when I’m coming, but I’ve ignored every single message.”
Someday, I would have to tell them.
No one knew that better than I did.
‘I can’t keep hiding this forever. Eventually, enough time will pass that I’ll be able to forgive myself. Someday I’ll naturally find my way back to visit Grandma. What am I supposed to do then?’
But the words simply wouldn’t come out. It was maddening. Some wounds are hidden away for so long that they scab over, and even touching them again becomes painful.
‘…When will that be? Is it even possible?’
I never wanted to realize it this way.
Would the members be disappointed in me if they learned the truth?
They probably would. After all the years we’d spent together, after everything we meant to each other, they’d wonder how I could have hidden something like this from them.
But what worried me even more was the possibility that they would blame themselves for not being there for me back then. I couldn’t say for certain whether they’d be angry. But of this one thing, I was sure.
Even though every consequence of this situation had come from my own choices, the members would still blame themselves.
Because they loved me more than I loved myself.
I knew that fact all too well, which only made me want to tell them even less.
The members had already wasted far too much time and energy because of me. So if possible, I wanted to get through this year safely as well, without letting my problems spill over onto them.
“Haaaa, I thought my brain was going to explode from speaking English all day.”
“No, seriously, when did Inchan practice English so much on his own? I was genuinely surprised listening to him answer questions.”
“Mm. I’ve been learning consistently so I could communicate with fans. It actually helps quite a bit.”
Late that night, after finishing all of our schedules and returning to the hotel, I realized my phone was gone.
I wasn’t as attached to my phone as Chise hyung or Nam Yihwon, but being overseas made it inconvenient in all sorts of ways if I didn’t have it.
After turning the hotel room upside down searching for it, Jay poked his head in and asked,
“Hyung, what are you looking for?”
“Ah, my phone. It’s gone. I’ve looked everywhere, but I can’t find it.”
At the mention of my missing phone, Jay tilted his head.
“You?”
There were members who lost things several times a day, to the point that the managers paid special attention to them. Usually it was the Seo brothers, who couldn’t care less whether they lose their stuff or not, or Chise hyung, who was simply bad at keeping track of his belongings.
But I almost never lost things, so he seemed genuinely surprised.
Honestly, even I was a little surprised.
Have I been so distracted that I’m starting to make mistakes like this?
“Want me to call it?”
Jay called my phone for me, but no ringtone could be heard.
‘I don’t think I left it on silent mode…….’
“That’s weird. It’s not like you left it in the car or somewhere else. I’m pretty sure I remember seeing you use your phone after we got back to the hotel, hyung.”
“……”
At that point, I had a pretty good idea of what was going on.
After letting out a small sigh, I glanced around and asked,
“Where’s Nam Yihwon?”
If one of my belongings had disappeared despite me almost never losing things, there was a very high chance it was one of Nam Yihwon’s pranks.
“He went out for a smoke earlier.”
“I’ll be back.”
“Ah-ha. Again?”
Jay muttered, “Figures“, shaking his head with a thoroughly fed-up expression, before waving me off. Leaving him behind, I headed straight outside the hotel.
And just as I’d expected, I found Nam Yihwon standing alone in the dark smoking area.
Normally, the moment he spotted me, he would put out his cigarette and step outside the smoking area.
But today was different.
Even though he clearly saw me approaching, all the way up to the entrance, he simply continued taking slow drags from his cigarette.
“That’s mine, right? You can’t just take it without saying anything. I thought I lost it and totally panicked.”
I held out my hand as I lightly scolded him.
But Nam Yihwon casually rolled the phone in his palm, making a show of it, before slipping it back into his pocket.
Thinking he was just messing around again, I let out a tired laugh and grabbed his arm.
“Come on, give it back. I don’t have the energy for games right now.”
At that, Nam Yihwon slowly lifted his head.
There wasn’t a trace of amusement on his face.
Then, in a low voice, he asked,
“Why? Because it’s Grandma’s death anniversary today?”
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Translator’s Corner:
Not sure why I had to do this very chapter right after hiatus, but Nam Yihwon, the man that you are…..
And yup, cabin four is back. I resigned from my job hshshshshs
It was maddening because they suddenly sent people from the HQs to do stock inspection (I worked there for 4 months and it never happened before) so I, too, had to pitch in to pay for the missing items. Which is funny because. Those things already gone on my first day at that place. I’m 100% sure the store leader that ran away actually stole them. Sigh. I don’t even have the energy to protest. All that matter was I finally able to get out of that hole,,,,,
Anyway, sorry it was late. I spent two days just sleeping, and the other to clean my room…. another realization that I haven’t cleaned my room in the past four months because I didn’t have the energy and time …. let’s aim a job with a humanely working hours next…..
Updates will (hopefully) back to regular now, but I think I need to focus on Gaon for a little while. That series starting to look like an abandoned son…..
Thank you Kristen Nicole Faustina & Sisters, byARMI, Jieshika, and Anonymous for the Birthday Gifts!
(Thank you for giving me birthday gifts, reading the messages means a lot to me T_T I tried to tell you guys what I did during my birthday last month but I think ??? I was just sleeping ??? Because it’s my day off and I went home at 10 PM the night before …. omg I should look up if there’s a way to anonymously report a company for violating labor laws)