Chapter 475: Number Twelve's Guide on How to Make Friends |
"Dagnabbit...where are our targets disappearing to? An hour ago there was an advancing wall of armored slimeballs, pushing hard to overrun us. Now it's just some random snails grazing on lichen or slowly moving away. I still have ammunition left. It's no fun shooting stuff that just sits in one place!"
Captain Annie's attitude echoed that of the scavengers who had been completely happy to work at a breakneck pace, lugging ammo, reloading cannons, and (if they were one of the lucky few who got to play gunner) firing off a round at a slow-moving target. The danger posed by the snails getting too close just added to the fun. With a good amount of rum and no lack of sweating spanner boys, who were having an equally good time, it was a party to remember. The fact that the front line of snails had made it within forty feet of their gunline and that there had been several close calls with acid bombs and flame bursts was being ignored. Or exaggerated in the telling. Worse things happened when two gunships were tossing iron at each other.
They watched the snails carefully, posting forward lookouts, with the hope this was a ruse and they would start moving forward again. But after a half-hour, the disappointed scouts came back with the information that the formations of snails were dispersing, and none of the red snails were in sight. However, they had seen a suspicious number of dead and dismembered red snails, evidence that the people sent out to cripple the snail army's officer and messenger corps had done their job. Too good of a job as far as many of the gunners were concerned. The Scavenger Captains ordered their teams to clean their guns and get ready to move. The engineers packed up ammo, checked for any wear and tear on the machinery, and got the convo ready to move as soon as the people missing on 'Search and Destroy' missions returned. Just as the work was done, and a game of 'spin-the-keg' was about to start, they heard gunfire in the distance.
Big guns. As loud as any of their cannons, but firing faster than any ten teams could load. A rolling thunder of sound echoing through the caves. The Engineers knew that only one type of gun was that loud, and that fast, and the only two made so far were mounted on a giant, mechanical bear. And she was obviously enjoying herself as sporadic gunfire continued, and her roars could be heard across the cavern.
With shiny cannons to hand, and plenty of ammo, they were missing a battle! It was more than any gun loving dwarf could take. Annie stood on top of an ammo bear, yelling loudly, "My crew, let's get moving. I want to see what's happening and maybe get in a little more target practice! And we better hustle, or that bear is going to clear out the whole cavern!"
As if that was the signal for the entire expedition, everyone began moving in the direction of the gunfire. Any snails in their path moved aside or were quickly destroyed. The highly aggressive, trained units of snails had led the charge into the cannons of the dwarves. What was left were the crossbreeds and more sedentary snails that wanted nothing to do with the army. Now that the annoying red snails weren't yelling orders, most were quite happy to fill their bellies and ignore the scary people around them. Snails weren't the smartest of creatures, but they knew predators when they saw them.
Ursula was indeed enjoying herself. She had snuck along in disguise, only having to fight when a nearby snail took offense to some hand gesture of the twins. After several such fights, the bees had taken over, flying under the shell and into the head. The twins hadn't fit well under the shell, and had left to do some scouting on their own along with Milo who had been skulking unseen near Ursula. Whenever she had a chance to get near a red snail, it hadn't gone well for the snail. All it took was a swipe of a paw to flip a snail over and one bite or a couple of claws to kill them. When she'd come upon the large group of messengers and guards, she'd taken up a spot on their flank, waiting for a good time to unleash her guns. As the council began screaming, and the herd surged towards them, she began firing, sending shots into each snail before adjusting her aim and moving to the next one. These snails didn't have the heavy shells of the pure blue battle snails, and couldn't withstand the power of her guns. It took time, but before the unit of snails were halfway to Milo and council, they were all dead, smoking and shattered shells scattered about a quiet lichen meadow.
The rest of the convoy had no trouble moving up. If the snails had been retreating and scattering before, now it was a complete rout. This was vastly disappointing to the dwarves and adventurers when they arrived. Luckily, the Scavengers had rum and Engineers to distract them, the Engineers had their cannons and mechanized bears to do maintenance on and recalibrate. The alphabet and Butch's crew were fascinated by the shouty little snails who seemed to be in charge of things. Number twelve was an immediate hit with them.
Butch watched and listened to twelve, shaking his head, "I've heard of trolls, but that little shit talker really knows how to get the others riled up."
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Min and Kenji had started a game, making bets on how long until the next insult by number Twelve. Some of the dwarves noticed and started a drinking game, tossing back a shot or double shot whenever Twelve tossed a zinger at the others. He was adept at putting together his insults from pieces of the words available to him, enhanced by his saucy eyestalk gestures. Not everyone could pick up the snail language as fast as Milo, but the bees were happy to translate for Amarella who imitated the voice they used and added the proper snideness.
"Did you really say that, Number Three? Normally it's number Eight with the really dumb ideas."
"Giving the enemy information is treason? Nonsense, I'm just telling them what number One says about everything, that's bound to confuse them."
"GET OFF MY LAWN! ...wait, do you idiots even know what a lawn is? How about you pretend and just leave?"
The Council of Smart Snails wasn't having their best day to begin with, piled up in a large shell was humiliating, but having number Twelve sitting on a large rock looking down at them and yelling insults was so much worse. The trollish snail had been happy to save its own shell by telling Milo everything it knew, which wasn't that much, but it infuriated the other snails, and Twelve did its best to convey snippets of information and annoy them.
The council was happy for one thing though, they no longer had to endure the chatter of Buttercup and Rosie who had been grading each of them by their shells, giving them scores for luster, color, age spots, and skin tone. Seven had been given the high score, and One the lowest. The snails with the lowest scores had tried to appeal but their judges were suddenly dragged away by a furious Gendifur.
"You two were supposed to be taking a nap. And now I find out you snuck away from camp and were playing commando, and fighting with dangerous creatures?!"
"But Mama, it was hero stuff! Heroes do dangerous things."
"And nap time is boring! We're big girls now!"
"Daddy told us a story and him and Uncle Justin disguising themselves as giant ants to sneak into a hive and steal sugar! It was ok for them!"
Brutus looked very sheepish as his wife gave him a half glare, "Hey, it worked, and we were only in the infirmary for a week."
She gave them each a hug, difficult since both were now as large as she was, and getting bigger. "You certainly are big girls. But not big enough to go sneaking off on your own! And my, you're so dirty now! You can't go touching strange snails, you don't know where they've been. I think it's time for a bath to get all that snail junk out of your fur, and then your father is going to going to help you start cleaning up this mess."
The girls and Brutus looked around, "Mess? You don't mean....?"
"Yes, I do mean. If you are big enough to cause a mess, you're big enough to clean it up. I want you to start here, pile the broken snail shells in pile, and soft bits in another. Your father can give you a lecture on the family rules while you're doing it. Cleaning up is also Hero Work."
The family of large ratkin left the council in peace, but number Twelve redoubled his efforts to rile them up.
"Let's play a game of 'Master Says'."
"Master says 'jump'. You lose! Let's play again."
"Master says 'Be silent'. Six, One, Two, Eleven...your out."
"Master says 'Don't move'. Oooooh, good, you know that one."
"Look Stupid."
"Ha! Got the rest of you. I didn't say 'Master Says Look Stupid'. I love this game, let's play again. Master says, 'Roll your eyes in admiration of Number Twelve.'
Nina shared her observations with Milo. He nodded slowly, "I'm wondering if they were really meant to be in charge. They don't work together very well. I don't think the Master meant for them to run things, but he hasn't bothered to be here in a long time. Or maybe it's a strange social experiment and he grew bored with it? I'm tired of dealing with them already, and we've only been here an hour."
Belinda was also bored with the snails. "Too much like a board of directors at a company headed to bankruptcy from mismanagement: Shouting, ineffective, and doomed. Let's get some answers from this Master."
Algernon and Zander had been examining the ruins where the council had been found. "These aren't snail ruins. They were made by small bipeds. I think this was a small village. The stonework is interesting. The pieces are perfectly fit with no mortar, similar to some of the Mayan cities in South America. I'm very curious about the larger ruins near that tower."
Number One screamed out, "NO! Stay out of the damned tower. I don't need you traipsing around and leaving slime trails everywhere!!"
It was echoed by all of the other snails of the council except the troublemaker.
Twelve said jovially, wiggling is eyestalks with laughter, "Excellent idea!! Let us partake of the Master's wisdom."