Chapter 124: |
Rosaline opened her mouth wide. Those guys are unreal! How could your escorts be away on urgent business? Sir Kairo…I never imagined you could be like that! Secretary Isserion is also doing too much as well.
With lowered eyes, the man whose words were interrupted smiled sadly. The large, splendid room and this whole castle belonged to Ricardis, but he seemed lonely in the vast space. Rosaline’s heart filled with emotions she had never felt before. A feeling that made one side of her heart colder than a winter sunset…
Ricardis brushed the back of his neck and glanced up at her.
“I’m glad you came.”
Ricardis smiled with his head tilted slightly, his visage reflecting the pure beauty of a lily of the valley that had survived a cold rain at dawn and had finally blossomed. Rosaline shivered with overwhelming emotion.
When she barely came to her senses and hesitantly tried to walk to the escort position, Ricardis, having laid on the sofa for a long time, stood.
“Come here. Don’t stay back there when there’s no one else around.”
Then he patted the seat beside him. Rosaline knew the others —the knight commander, the deputy commander, the assistant deputy commander, and the chief secretary— would severely scold her if they caught her. But she still found herself taking a seat next to him. Ricardis stared at her face and suddenly smiled. Rosaline felt like her heart had dropped to her feet.
“Aren’t you hungry? I figured you would arrive soon, so I prepared something in advance.”
Steaks, freshly baked bread, sweet desserts, and numerous fruits lay on the table among flowers and candies.
Rosaline only became aware of the existence of the food when Ricardis gestured to it. The food looked delicious, but she didn’t reach out to grab some. She already felt full from the emotions that filled her heart. Rosaline hesitated, so Ricardis stuffed a grape into her mouth. He smiled as his fingers touched her lips.
For the first time in her life, Rosaline couldn’t properly taste the food and only went through the motions of accepting, chewing, and swallowing. She couldn’t focus because of his gaze. Or maybe it was because she was paying attention to Ricardis’s gratified smile. Rosaline now understood and even reproduced the action people commonly called ‘pretending.’
As Rosaline couldn’t really eat and only chewed uncomfortably, Ricardis lifted the documents he had placed beside her.
“Enjoy comfortably.”
He grinned and reached out to wipe the crumbs from Rosaline’s mouth. It was a friendly touch. While Rosaline stiffened, Ricardis crossed his legs and leaned back on the sofa, looking at the documents with serious eyes.
A piece of steak, a glance at him. A bite of bread, a glance at him. Rosaline’s eyes moved more diligently than her mouth. It was very burdensome when he looked at her, but it was strangely regrettable when his gaze left. Still, she had the advantage of being able to eat freely. Now starting to taste it, Rosaline quickly focused on eating. She finished the meal without leaving a piece of fruit behind.
Rosaline looked at the man with a sidelong glance. Her hands were clammy, so she rubbed her palms against each other. Ricardis was reading the papers with half-lidded eyes, his head slightly tilted, and his arm resting on the back of the sofa.
His chest rose and fell at a steady rate. Listening to his breathing, Rosaline felt like she was about to burst, and her anxious mind calmed down. Recalling the conversations she’d shared today with several colleagues and acquaintances, she had decided to talk about it but hadn’t yet decided what to tell him.
Rosaline turned to face him.
“Your Highness. I want to tell you something, but if you are busy now…”
“I’m not busy at all.”
As if he had been waiting, Ricardis threw back the documents in his hand in the same posture as he had been reading them. Several sheets of paper fluttered through the air and landed on the floor.
“The documents…”
“It’s my diary.”
“Oh, it’s your diary.”
She could understand his solemn expression as he read it. Not as much as work, but a diary was also important. Calyx and Raymond told her she should write one all the time, so Rosaline had already almost filled the entire book. Thanks to that, her handwriting became prettier as the days progressed, and her vocabulary improved. Perhaps Ricardis also trained his elegant handwriting using his diary.
“So, what’s going on, Rosaline?”
Ricardis looked at her, placing his hands on his knees. Rosaline opened her mouth after a while.
“Prince Haqab proposed to me.”
Ricardis maintained a friendly look, but thick veins appeared on the back of his hand.
“Hmm… What did the Prince say? I want to hear as many details as possible.”
“[You can always see me in that position if you want. The Hiksala of Balta will worship at your feet and offer you love forever.] Then I said I didn’t want to, so he said, [I’m not asking you to answer right now. The more options, the better, so keep my suggestion in mind. I’m sure one day if you’re still Illavenia, you will find yourself dissatisfied.]”
Ricardis snorted. The cold, cynical expression on his face was the same as usual.
“That’s understandable, Rosaline, but can I tell you a surprising fact? I won’t be dissatisfied no matter what Illavenia does because one can only be dissatisfied if they had expectations in the first place. I’ve never had any expectations since entering the Imperial family, so I have found nothing dissatisfactory. On the contrary, it is surprising that Haqab brought up the topic of never being somewhat dissatisfied in Illavenia.”
“… Are such feelings possible when you’re…”
The Prince of Illavenia?
“What’s not possible? It’s a place I’ve grown weary of. Anyway, what else?”
“[So remember— I said it once in Balta— the door of Livita is open to you.] He told me again that he was proposing.”
Ricardis covered his mouth and cursed silently. This son of a bitch. Why does it feel like he’s seducing a child by giving her candy…
“I see. That must have been very unpleasant.”
“Yes. It was very unpleasant, but I endured it.”
The quick reply made Ricardis feel a little better. Rosaline rummaged through her pocket and pulled out something — a gold pendant. It had been hanging around her neck just this morning. Ricardis looked at it quietly.
Rosaline’s gaze also wandered to the golden accessory. There was silence for a moment.
“Your Highness.”
“Yes?”
“His Highness Haqab said he would be your ally if I accept the offer. He’d side with you against His Highness Elpidio and His Majesty the Emperor. He promised to protect you.”
She paused for a moment. Ricardis waited for Rosaline’s response. He felt impatient in that brief moment because he had been waiting since dawn. After a fleeting moment that felt like an eternity, the answer she spat out was neither ‘I will’ nor ‘I won’t’.
“Your Highness, I will always do my best to protect you. But there will come a time when my strength alone will not be enough… I think.”
Rosaline moved her fingers, and the metal chain flowed between them. Jingle, jingle. The sound was unpleasant.
“That will never happen. You can’t say that.”
“People get hurt and die too easily.”
“I’m well aware of that.”
Rosaline struggled to continue holding back the words she’d kept to herself this whole time but uttered them eventually.
“I’m afraid of such failure.”
She stared at the necklace in her hand. Even though she had decided to refuse and even let go, Haqab’s offer was still in her hands.
Seeing the fragile and precarious Ricardis made her uneasy. Her determination to always shadow and protect him freely mixed with her anxiety about whether she could accomplish it. Many people advised and constantly reassured her, but she wasn’t sure. A chill from deep inside her chest made her fingertips feel cold.
“Rosaline.”
Ricardis grabbed hold of Rosaline’s hand. Rosaline’s hand lay atop Ricardis’ hand, and Haqab’s necklace was on top of them both. His hand was warm to the touch.
“The person I wished good morning yesterday may not be here today. One by one, they disappear, and the people who remembered the ones who disappeared may be gone the next day. So, in the end, the only one left at the end of every tomorrow is me. People can’t share their pain, so you have to shoulder that burden alone. Even death is a welcome pain. Knowing that… I understand your fears. Because those feelings are all that consist of me.”
Rosaline knew what Ricardis was talking about. In that Rosaline’s broken memories, Ricardis had only ever seen people leave. She’d watched him evolve from shedding tears of blood to looking at the death count calmly. Rosaline always looked at Ricardis. That’s why his understanding touched her even more deeply.
“Losing is a close and familiar feeling to us. I’ve been through it, so I know how painful it can be. That’s why I’m afraid and want to avoid it. Right?”
Rosaline bit her lip and gave a slight nod.