Chapter 130 |
Sunset (13) Censored
Message:
Deja Vu, it feels like we have been here before.
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"Lavin. Why do you act like you've lived a whole lifetime these days?"
It was Levina's voice.
I was inside the closet.
Seeing Levina looking down at me, it seemed like a childhood dream.
"Because the Duchess doesn't love you."
I said.
A young voice.
Looking closely, Levina also seemed to be just becoming a girl.
"Hmm. Honestly, I'm the kind of person who gets hurt if you tell the truth.
Because she doesn't actually love me.
Father seems to love only you too.
Then again, I don't think he loves you either."
Saying so, Levina began to embed small daggers into the empty space.
"Honestly, I don't really know what love is exactly.
I've never actually seen something that could be called true love right before my eyes."
Such that even a slight shift in standing posture would cause one to be cut by the blade.
"And if Father truly loved you, he would have noticed you suffering like this and saved you long ago."
Levina approached, grabbed my face, and smilingly kneaded my cheek.
"I'm sorry. But you know I'm not doing this because I want to, right?"
Saying so, Levina closed the wardrobe door.
Darkness fell before my eyes.
Outside, I heard the sound of the closet handle being tied with a string.
Because I had once, by some luck, managed to crawl out before.
When no sound was heard from outside, I carefully moved my arms and slowly began to pull out the small knives Levina had embedded.
I accidentally cut my skin slightly, but since I couldn't see it anyway, it didn't feel that painful.
After all, a wound only starts to hurt when you see it with your eyes.
Familiar with the routine, I gathered the clothes inside the closet into one place to make it easier to lean, then collected the daggers where my feet rested, and leaned against the wall.
I tried my best to make it comfortable, but it wasn't particularly so.
****
"I also left some snacks in the room, so why don't you eat some in the room before you go?"
Levina asked.
"You messed with the food again, didn't you."
"I don't remember, and it wasn't for you, so I wouldn't have."
It was night.
A night that felt somehow cold, and much darker than expected.
Levina brought me to the room, sat me on the sofa, and then brought a few slices of cheese, crackers, and alcohol.
As Levina set down the glasses, I reached for the bottle, and Levina grabbed my wrist.
"Since I drank everything you poured in your room, this time, I'll pour for you."
I picked up a few slices of cheese and crackers in front of me and ate them.
I drank the alcohol Levina poured.
Each time the glass was emptied, she continued to pour alcohol, and she emptied her own glass as well.
And then she quickly brought a new bottle of alcohol.
It was the same alcohol she had brought last time.
The cheerful sound of opening the cork broke the silence in the room.
She first poured alcohol into her own glass.
And into mine as well.
Then she cut the Gouda cheese with a cheese knife.
The distinct sound of the hard cheese being cut was heard.
She placed the cut piece onto a cracker.
And pushed it towards me.
I picked it up, stared at it suspiciously for a long time, then put it in my mouth.
The crispness of the cracker and the salty, savory taste of the cheese mixed on my tongue.
And I took a sip of alcohol.
The acrid taste enveloped my mouth, overpowering the lingering earthy flavor behind the umami with its aroma.
Levina refilled my empty glass.
And refilled it again.
Occasionally, she would also put a piece of cheese on a cracker and eat it herself.
"Is it delicious?"
She asked.
"It's alright."
"Really?"
She put the cracker in her mouth, then picked up the wine bottle again.
And refilled my and Levina's empty glasses.
The neck of the bottle and the glasses made a faint clinking sound.
We continued to drink without saying anything.
Not even the ticking of a clock could be heard in the room.
It felt as if time had stopped.
Levina brought the second bottle.
This time, it was white wine.
She took out two new glasses.
And opened the cork.
It made a slightly duller sound than before.
She poured the alcohol into the glasses.
A transparent, almost golden liquid filled the glasses.
A faint fruity scent brushed past my nose.
I picked up an olive from the table and ate it.
It tasted salty and sour.
And I drank the white wine.
It was a somewhat light and refreshing taste.
Levina wandered around the room with her glass in hand, then looked out the window.
"When we were little, you know."
She suddenly opened her mouth.
"When I locked you in the wardrobe, what were you thinking?"
"I wasn't thinking anything."
"Really?"
"Yeah. It just sucked."
"Weren't you scared?"
"I was scared."
I answered and emptied my glass.
Levina refilled it.
"I was scared too."
She said.
"That you might just die in there."
"I didn't die, did I?"
"Right."
She smiled faintly.
And instantly drained her glass.
Her Adam's apple moved slightly.
The third bottle was emptied.
The fourth bottle appeared on the table.
This time, it was high-proof distilled liquor.
The amber liquid swayed inside the bottle.
Levina brought two small glasses.
And poured the alcohol.
A pungent alcoholic scent spread throughout the room.
I picked up the glass and smelled it.
It was a piercing aroma.
I gulped it down in one go.
The hot liquid flowed down my throat.
It felt as if my insides were burning.
Levina also emptied her glass.
Her face was slightly flushed.
She leaned forward onto the table.
And looked up at me.
Her eyes were slightly unfocused.
"Lavin."
"What."
"Even if we had spoken our minds, we would have stayed the same, wouldn't we?"
"Yeah, because finding someone as purely disgusting as you wouldn't be easy."
"You're just as twisted."
I replied.
And drank the alcohol she had poured again.
Now, I couldn't even properly taste it.
Levina straightened up.
And walked in front of me, then sat straddling my lap.
"What do you think love is?"
"......Sis?"
"Just answer."
Saying so, Levina grabbed my face with both hands.
And brought her face closer.
Thanks to being completely drunk on alcohol, my sense of smell seemed to be numb.
Only her hot breath was felt.
Even if I told her about proper love, and that people love each other by cherishing, caring for, and communicating, she would probably think that's just their kind of love.
But what I did to Estelle, could that truly be called love?
It was just. It was like a male prostitute selling himself to buy a Saintess.
Yet, the other person truly loved only me, and I... I suppose so.
"I don't think I've ever done it either. Was I mistaken that I was doing it?"
I stared blankly at Levina like that.
Her lips looked moist.
I subconsciously leaned closer but stopped my head.
"No. I've been with you for too long, my head must have gone strange."
I slapped Levina's cheek as she giggled on top of me.
Then, standing up, I knocked her over, grabbed her by the hair with one hand and her shoulder with the other, and put Levina on the bed.
"To you, this is love, isn't it? Locking me in the wardrobe, saying every day that Mother deserved to die, that someone like her should have died long ago, and that I, her son, deserved this treatment, looking away when the Duchess really tried to cripple my legs, feeding me dirt, slapping my cheek, strangling my neck, not even giving me proper food, giving me unknown medicine in water, sometimes saying you might accidentally kill Seraphina and if I didn't want that I should lick the floor, making me eat from horse feed with my face shoved in it, how, how can a person, huff, saying I wasn't human, and now, trying to manipulate me and when it doesn't work, clinging to me all of that was because you loved me, wasn't it?"
Levina couldn't answer.
Because I was strangling her.
"So, I must have been loving you too, Sis."
Levina choked and grabbed my arm.
Her slender fingers scratched my forearm, but I felt no particular sensation.
Then, as the strength in her arm gave way and it slowly slid down, I released the pressure on her neck.
She gasped for breath and looked up at me with reddened eyes, as if a small blood vessel had burst.
I slowly unbuttoned her blouse.
The buttons came undone one by one, very slowly.
She rolled her eyes frantically but couldn't utter a single word.
She seemed completely oblivious to what was happening.
Whether from being drunk, or completely unaware of what I was doing.
Perhaps both.
Because she knows nothing like this.
This happened because she knew nothing.
Do we know anything about each other?
I don't know if anything would have changed even if we had known each other and communicated.
"But since I'm nice. Since I'm saner than you. Because there is someone who loves me, and I have to be a normal enough human being to reciprocate that love... I'll teach you a normal way to love, tailored right to you."
I stayed up all night with Levina like that.
I pulled my pants back up.
Then, sitting back down where I had been eating crackers earlier, I picked up the bottle that still had a bit of alcohol left and chugged straight from it.
"Perhaps this might be love to you, Sis."
"This, this is what I wished for?"
Levina asked, her voice choked with tears.
"I don't know. Because it was what I thought you wished for, Sis."
Levina looked up at me, then began to cry silently.
I held Levina tightly and continued to comfort her.
Until she fell asleep.
****
When I opened my eyes, I saw Levina sleeping beside me, hugging me.
Moreover, I could smell alcohol and the peculiar body odor of a man and woman who had mingled bodies.
"......I'm fucked."
I don't remember anything that happened.