Chapter 838 |
– We are beings who should not exist.
A voice came to him.
– Fire is different from every other attribute. Earth always remains where it is. Water is still water, even if it flows and mingles. Wind that has gone still may be hard to call wind, but it remains as air. The same is true of all other things, each with its own varied nature.
They changed, mingled, hardened, melted away—
– Yet no matter what transformations they underwent, they themselves still existed.
– But fire only ever reaches toward nothingness. Once it has burned everything around it, it devours even itself and, at last, vanishes completely.
Fire burned. It burned and burned, and when there was nothing left to consume, it scattered itself apart. No other existence possessed a nature aimed solely toward its own annihilation. Only fire did.
– That is what we are.
Within that voice, Han Yuhyun opened his eyes. His body as a human was already gone. Only the consciousness called Han Yuhyun remained, barely lingering amid the flames. In that space of awareness where blue light drifted, Han Yuhyun looked toward the place the voice had come from.
Red fire flickered. It was the color and shape most intelligent beings thought of first when they imagined fire. That fire had taken the form of a human.
Long red hair was tied loosely back in one tail, and flowing robes of the same red flame hung around the figure. The skin was as white and smooth as glazed porcelain. The firelight trembling on every side swallowed every shadow, leaving that paleness alien beyond measure. It was shaped like a human, but it was difficult to think of it as a living one.
Only its black eyes held a gentle vitality.
And that face was—
“…Young Chaos.”
It resembled the ancient transcendent. No, it was almost identical. It was Young Chaos, molded out of flame.
– Yes.
A clear smile appeared on the fire’s expressionless face.
– I took his form. And you were born resembling the First Flame.
Because the First Flame was the beginning of all fire.
Simply possessing the fire attribute did not mean one would be born resembling its source. Most had their own varied appearances. But Han Yuhyun, among Originborn who carried fire, was an existence especially close to flame, and so he had naturally been influenced by it.
– Originally, I had neither form nor even a “self.”
Fire was only fire. It did nothing but burn and devour, and it made no exception for itself. There had been no “self” in it either. It was not one individual, but closer to a concept.
– Because that was my nature, before the First Flame shattered, there were no races born with the fire attribute.
The same was true for spirits. Fire could not become an independent individual, and so it could not establish itself as an intelligent being. There were only races that acquired the power of fire after birth. Han Seol and the Black Dragon, too, were no more than Dragonkin who had grown by taking in fire energy later in life.
When all sorts of races were born with all sorts of powers, only the pure fire attribute did not exist.
– The First Flame was a power that devoured everything it touched. In some ways, it was similar to the Origin. Unlike the Origin, however, it did not discriminate. Empty planets, parched lands without a single drop of water, barren places where life had never taken root—it burned and devoured them all.
It was like a natural disaster, one with which communication was impossible. The only thing the First Flame did not try to devour was the Origin.
– The transcendents tried to guide the First Flame away from worlds where life existed. But that proved impossible. In the end, they stood in the fire’s path.
Amid the red flames, those black eyes closed once, then opened again.
On that day, in that moment.
– The old sword stepped forward first. Back then, he was still young by their standards.
“Young Chaos?”
– Yes. The transcendents who stood against the inextinguishable fire gave up one by one and left. But the sword remained until the very end. Even after he lost his weapon, he offered everything he was to the blazing fire with his empty hands.
Even when every sword he owned had melted away, even when he could no longer maintain his own shape, he did it for the sake of what he had chosen to protect.
– In that moment, the fire recognized him. The instant I recognized you, an “I” came into being.
The existence of someone other than oneself created the self. Inside a fire that devoured everything, a fire in which nothing could be born and nothing could remain, an ego took root.
– Even I cannot properly explain how it happened. But I saw Young Chaos, and he became my world. I returned the body I had devoured. I returned his swords. All but one thing.
The First Flame lifted a fingertip. A white finger pointed toward those black eyes.
– These eyes. Only these. He was not albino, nor did he possess any special attribute power. Originally, he had ordinary black eyes like these.
Young Chaos’s eyes had been stained red. But he did not recognize the change in himself. He did not even remember what had happened between him and the First Flame.
– When I, as myself, took on his form and bore his eyes, I could no longer exist as the First Flame. The purest source of fire had to burn even itself. But I wished to preserve myself, and in the end, the First Flame broke into countless fragments and scattered in every direction.
Though it had recognized Young Chaos, made him its world, and gained a self, the First Flame never managed to say a single word to that world. It remained only as a consciousness wandering among fragments.
– And so races born with the fire attribute began to appear. Because I, their parent and source, had become an individual with a self. And because the First Flame had shattered and its influence had diminished, the nature of fire did not manifest too strongly in those races. It was, to begin with, a nature ill-suited to living creatures.
“Am I an individual in whom that nature is unusually strong?”
At Han Yuhyun’s question, the First Flame nodded lightly.
– An Originborn is, in itself, a being in whom a fragment of the Origin—an innate essence—has taken strong root. You possess a fragment of the Origin joined with a fragment of the First Flame. Originborn of fire are few in number. Even among fire Originborn, the ratio of Origin within them differs. Those with an essence as strong as yours—
“Would not have lived long.”
The nature of fire, which burned even itself away. If that nature was especially strong, the ending was already decided.
– Fire is indifferent to all things. Indifferent enough that even as newborns, they do not cry to express hunger.
The young Han Yuhyun had not cried. Though survival required a baby to cry, fuss, and demand what it needed, he had been quiet. He accepted what he was given and ate it, but that was all.
– Even the most basic desire for survival is faint. Since they are born as living creatures, they may continue to live. But it is rare for young individuals to survive to the end.
Even if they were sturdier than other members of their species, they were still unawakened children. A child who did not ask adults for anything was easily abandoned, and easily died.
– Even after growing up and awakening, the essence remains unchanged. Your appetite must have almost vanished. After awakening, you would have been able to obtain the energy necessary to survive simply by burning something.
Han Yuhyun silently agreed. At some point, he had realized that he could live without eating. There was no great difference between taking food in through his mouth and burning it with his own flames. But Han Yuhyun had eaten every meal.
“My brother wanted me to eat properly. I was raised that way.”
Han Yujin had cared a great deal about Han Yuhyun’s meals. Because of that, even after Han Yuhyun left Han Yujin’s side, he remained particular about the quality of food. Though he had no need to eat, he consumed nutrients as Han Yujin had wanted him to.
“When my brother was with me, I could even feel the sensation of something tasting good.”
When he was with Han Yujin, or when the food had been prepared by Han Yujin, that was how it was. Other things registered only as a matter of quality, but the fruit preserves Han Yujin gave him were sweet.
“But if it had nothing to do with my brother…”
– There would have been nothing. If even the most basic desires are faint, how could you have felt other desires? A desire for possessions, for display, for dominance—of course you would have none. You seek to burn not only others, but even yourself, so there would be no reproductive drive, no sexual desire at all. Nor would you feel affection for someone, or hatred. You would not be sad, happy, angry, or lonely, and even pain would be thin. Sensing pain is merely a means of controlling the body.
That was what fire was.
Its very essence made it impossible to maintain the self as a living being.
– And so the fire Originborn disappeared.
They died from neglect when they were young, or grew up and burned themselves away. Because they were fire, they could not live as humans.
– But you had your world. Just as I did.
For this young fire—
– There was someone who gave everything of himself to become your world. It is something close to impossible. If a human throws himself away like that, he cannot survive.
Young Chaos had been a transcendent, and the First Flame had been the source of all fire. That was why the First Flame had been able to restore Young Chaos. But for an Originborn who was only a fragment and an ordinary human, that should have been impossible.
– In your case, perhaps it was possible because you were children. A child belongs to the world called parents, and if cast out from it, cannot live.
If Han Yujin had been an adult capable of taking responsibility not only for himself, but for his little brother, however difficult it was, he would not have become Han Yuhyun’s world. But for the young Han Yujin to choose Han Yuhyun had been no different from giving himself up. He abandoned his own world and chose his brother.
That was why Han Yujin was able to become Han Yuhyun’s world.
– Fire devours and devours without end, until it scatters apart. But we had worlds that wrapped themselves around the fire. A lamp for the flame.
Held inside it, fire could live.
The First Flame smiled deeply.
– Through our worlds, we can also feel all manner of emotions and desires. Young fire, you are the same, are you not?
“Yes. When it comes to my brother, or anything connected to him, my heart moves.”
– Enough that, at a glance, you might not seem different from anyone else. You remain indifferent to things unrelated to him, but the moment something connects to my world, it becomes vivid.
The First Flame seemed to recall something and laughed softly. The expression was fond.
– Young Chaos told you, did he not, that after enough time had passed, you would be able to interact with other people as well. He can be rather rigid that way. Even so, he was not entirely wrong.
“I think loving anyone other than my brother is impossible.”
– You are correct. I have let eons pass by. Through my scattered fragments and through the eyes connected to him, I have seen many things. In all that time, while worlds have been born and destroyed over and over, the only existence I have loved is my world.
It was not something that changed because time and experience accumulated. Even if another eternity passed, the First Flame’s world would remain one and only one, and the existence it loved would remain one and only one. From the moment Young Chaos had offered himself up, and until the very end, that heart would never change.
– The same will be true for you. You are my only kin, the same as me.
Only kin.
Han Yuhyun looked at the First Flame in silence. It certainly was the same as him. The only other fire that possessed a world in which to rest.
– You are different from your biological kin, and different from other Originborn. Only you and I can truly be called kin, and this may be considered a sort of exchange as well.
Though faint, emotion did exist. In a sense, the two were close to parent and child.
– You must have felt a trace of independent emotion toward Young Chaos as well. Because he is the world of me, your source, and because he possesses the eyes connected to me. Did you not trust him a little more easily than others?
“…Yes. When he said he would take charge of my brother, I felt certain he would be safe.”
Han Yuhyun gave a small nod. Though Young Chaos was a strange transcendent he barely knew, Han Yuhyun had thought his brother would be safe if Young Chaos took him away. He had refused in the end, but that had not been because he did not trust Young Chaos. It had been because of his greed, because he did not want to let go of his brother.
When Young Chaos came up, the First Flame’s expression became visibly more alive. He smiled, saying that Young Chaos had found meeting them quite enjoyable.
– Aside from him… that water may have some possibility.
“Do you mean Park Yerim?”
– He was fond of that child as well. If the water grows stronger as she is now, and comes to possess the essence of water… and yet the two of you continue to share the same domain, then you will inevitably find each other irritating and uncomfortable.
That, too, was still an emotion.
“When we first met, I did not especially like her either, but that was probably mostly because my brother was involved.”
– Compared to you, that child possesses less of water’s essence. For now, she is about the only one outside your world toward whom you might hold even a faint direct emotion. There is no one else. Everything else currently near you is no more than a list of information.
Names, ages, appearances—bundles of information. Haeyeon’s guild members, other Hunters, the born S-Ranks, even transcendents were nothing more than that to Han Yuhyun. Only when they became connected to Han Yujin did he react to them like people.
– So his words were not completely wrong. There is a little. Though it is not quite what he imagined.
The First Flame laughed again. It seemed amused that Young Chaos had guessed wrong. No, anything connected to him would be enjoyable.
Han Yuhyun quietly looked down at his own hand.
Now he knew what he was. Why he was different from ordinary humans. Why he possessed an instinct unsuited to a living creature. Why he had no choice but to look only at Han Yujin.
“So this is me.”
– Yes. Ordinary intelligent beings still will not understand you. Your very essence is entirely different from theirs. But that is what you are.
A self that could not change, and should not change.
– But because of that, you will suffer.
The red flame surged high. A white hand touched its own chest.
– Your world is no different from any other intelligent being. He is not like us. He is someone who can never become the same as us, nor even similar.
“…I know.”
– Therefore you—and we—will suffer an eternal thirst.
The First Flame looked toward something far away. Toward its world, whom it could not even touch.
– They look at others who are not us, feel all manner of emotions for other things, and hurt themselves for their sake. They suffer. They grow lonely.
It had done nothing but watch.
For a very, very long time.
– He is my world, so those emotions seep into me as well. But there is nothing I can do. Again and again, I have thought I would rather devour everything. But how could I erase him with my own hands? I have endured the wavering you felt countless times. There were moments when even my drifting consciousness grew blurred and began to splinter. There were times I wished to sleep forever. And still, I had no choice but to keep watching him.
The First Flame smiled.
It was a painful smile. It looked almost like weeping.
– For a span of time beyond counting. And then for another span beyond counting. He will continue to live, and I will remain unchanged forever.
A white hand stretched toward Han Yuhyun.
It pointed at him.
– And so will you.
Han Yuhyun’s hands clenched into fists.
– You must have been swept up in all kinds of emotions you were never meant to feel. Holding yourself down, binding yourself, unable to let go.
“…”
– So if you wish, be free of it.
“…Can I?”
– If you abandon even that consciousness now and are reborn as complete fire, every emotion will vanish.
Free from everything, into pure fire.
Into the source where only his innate essence remained.
– You, who have become like me, are capable of it. Take one step farther, and in place of the shattered First Flame, you will rise as the new beginning and end of fire.
A fire more complete than anything else.
If fire could grow, that would be its end.
Han Yuhyun had already abandoned his body and risen as fire. There was only one step left now. If he took just one more step, he could be free from everything that bound him.
A thin breath slipped out. Han Yuhyun closed his eyes.
He felt a hand reaching toward him.
A weak hand, trying somehow to wrap itself around the blue-burning flame.
His brother.
“I…”
He remembered the twenty-six-year-old Han Yuhyun who had left satisfied. Part of that man’s memories, along with the memories of the clock, had seeped into the Han Yuhyun of the present. Those times that must have been even more painful than his own.
And yet—
“I love every version of my brother.”
It had been painful. Sad. Lonely and exhausting. He had wavered enough to lose himself. Even so, every moment of that time had been Han Yujin. So long as it came from Han Yujin, no matter what it was—
Han Yuhyun opened his eyes. He looked at his only kin.
“You are the same, aren’t you? You must love all of that long, long time. No matter what pain comes for you, you will never be able to let go.”
– Yes.
The First Flame laughed aloud.
– It is an eternal hell. And yet everything he gives me is painfully sweet.
The jealousy, the loneliness, the aching pity, the sadness—all of those emotions came into being because of its world.
“Yes. I may waver again. Perhaps my brother and I may even become estranged. We may have to be apart not for three years, or eight, but ten years, or even longer. Even so, I will not be able to let go.”
Han Yuhyun smiled.
His brother was holding him in his arms.
“And my brother, too—even if I were reborn as complete fire, he would not give up. He would come find me, and once again, he would hold Han Yuhyun in his arms.”
– Of that, at least, I am envious.
The First Flame said it with utter sincerity. This was a fire loved by its world.
It had expected this refusal. The First Flame let out a long sigh.
– If you replaced the First Flame, I would be able to transform into a single member of a fire race. Into an existence capable of going to him.
“So that is why you spoke to me?”
– But as expected, it was impossible. You are the same as I am. Though you are still young enough to waver, you will never truly let go.
The black eyes surrounded by red light lowered.
– Speaking with a child who knew him and stayed by his side has been a comfort in itself. Now go back.
The black eyes closed.
The fire wearing Young Chaos’s appearance twisted back into flame.
– Live not as complete fire, but as a flame wrapped in your world.
Instead of stepping forward, he stepped back. Seen simply, it was regression. But it was the life Han Yuhyun wanted most.
The First Flame scattered. The fragment that had dwelled inside Han Yuhyun’s body began to disappear as well.
– Yuhyun-ah.
Han Yujin’s voice reached him.
– Yuhyun-ah.
The fire listened to its world. Han Yujin’s hand reached out. Just as in the memory of him holding his little brother, his hand traced empty air.
“Yuhyun-ah.”
Han Yujin thought of his brother.
He remembered Han Yuhyun.
This fire was his little brother. It was Han Yuhyun.
“Yuhyun-ah.”
Han Yuhyun’s world recognized the fire.
The fire moved and changed. Drawn by the world that held him, he began to take shape. Fingertips and toes. Body and head. Black hair.
Inside Han Yujin’s wish, at the ends of Han Yujin’s fingers, Han Yuhyun was being made.
The existence he had made, and the existence he had raised.
And the existence he had brought into being once more.
“Han Yuhyun!”
Black formalwear wrapped around Han Yuhyun, and his black eyes opened with a reddish gleam.
“Hyung.”
Han Yujin’s fire looked at its world.
Han Yuhyun smiled brightly.
–TL Notes–
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