Chapter 812 |
“The Gardener told me I was originally meant to swallow this entire country.”
Chief Song’s voice was quiet. Calm. Even.
That only made it sound sadder. It was the voice of someone who had already given up and accepted everything.
“But you didn’t.”
“That was chance. Luck, nothing more. If my brother had not been such a kind child. If our relationship as brothers had not been so good. I would not have carried that guilt buried deep in my subconscious. I would not have had that stone inside me, weighing me down, holding me back.”
A short sigh slipped out of him.
“Long ago, Mr. Han Yujin, you would have been absorbed into Eclipse’s power. The younger brother you treasure so much would never even have been born. That is the kind of being I am.”
“…Chief Song.”
“They say anyone can change. That is not wrong. But there are some things you can do nothing about. A person’s inborn nature, for instance. You know that as well as anyone, Han Yujin.”
My little brother.
Han Yuhyun could never become human the way I was human. He had adjusted to our society to a certain degree, and he tried to accommodate me even though I was different from him. But even so, his nature had not changed.
“If there are things that change, then there are also things that do not. Like feet striking the earth, like drawing air into the lungs, like red blood pounding through the heart.”
Seong Hyunjae continued gently.
“Some things must simply be left as they are.”
The fact that Song Taewon had been born as Eclipse could not be changed. Just as I could not change the fact that I had been born human, or that Yuhyun had been born fire. Aside from the extreme method of destroying oneself through death, there was no escaping it. Even the Transcendents, who could change not only their appearances but their genders and species as well, still kept their true natures. Many of them were even bound to the homes they had left behind.
So it was something that could not be helped.
I lifted my lowered head. My eyes met Chief Song’s. His eyes were deep, like wells. They were so black it was hard to see into them, but I knew from experience that they were clear, filled to the brim.
“No matter what kind of being someone is, being born can’t be a mistake. You weren’t given any choice. It was something beyond your control.”
“Yes. That is true.”
Chief Song answered calmly.
“Then you have to be allowed to exist too, Chief Song. Yes, you’re right that it can’t be changed. Unless you’re born all over again… there’s probably nothing anyone can do about it. It isn’t something that can be fixed, and it shouldn’t have to be. It’s just something that has to be left as it is.”
I drew in a long breath.
“But if that’s true, then you shouldn’t be chained to it either. You shouldn’t keep blaming yourself. You shouldn’t keep suffering. You have to let it go. You have to let it pass through you. You didn’t do anything wrong, Chief Song. But you’re still hurting.”
“My brother died because of me.”
Chief Song’s expression did not change.
Mine twisted instead.
“My parents also died. I may have affected my grandparents as well. I could have harmed even more people, and that possibility still remains within me.”
“You didn’t do it on purpose!”
Screeech. The chair I had been sitting in scraped backward. I stood and stared straight at Chief Song.
“I know this is something you can’t help suffering over. I know better than anyone. I’ve been through it too. I thought I had undone it, but I hadn’t.”
Yuhyun had died protecting me.
And that had become something I could never take back.
“Even after I send my brother away, I’m going to keep living. Normally. I’ll do things I enjoy. I’ll eat good food. I’ll watch funny things and laugh. It wasn’t easy for me either. If I hadn’t met Yuhyun again, maybe I wouldn’t have been able to endure it. I’ll keep remembering him from now on too, and sometimes it’ll hurt. But still.”
But still.
“…It wasn’t my fault.”
I couldn’t stop myself from thinking, What if I had done this? What if I had done that? Even so, being weak was not a sin. Not being able to give up on my brother was not a crime.
“I am different from you, Mr. Han Yujin.”
“What’s different? What exactly is different?”
“You are an ordinary human being. But I truly was a monster. I am different even from S–Ranks, from those born S–Rank. I was made to consume humans. I am a being who should never have blended in among them.”
Chief Song said it as if he were reading a note written in a dictionary. As if he were reciting that he deserved to be shunned, that he had to keep being suppressed and locked away.
A short silence passed.
A monster, huh.
“Fine. Let’s say that’s true.”
That damn word. Monster.
“But Chief Song, hunters who hate monsters are surprisingly rare.”
“…Pardon?”
Chief Song’s eyebrow twitched slightly, as if asking where this had come from all of a sudden.
“Mr. Han Yujin. People who suffered because of dungeon breaks hate monsters–”
“There was a time when they did. But that changed once dungeons and monsters became something normal. Something natural. I was a low–rank hunter. Unlike high–rank hunters, who had a lower death rate in dungeons, I stood in a place where obituaries were common.”
Someone from some team died, a few connections away. Stories like that were everywhere. I had lost people right beside me too.
“A lot of people got hurt. A lot of people died. Even so, almost no hunters gritted their teeth over monsters themselves. Because monsters don’t act out of malice. They’re just born that way.”
It was natural for monsters to attack people. Like wolves chasing rabbits, or sharks chasing fish. It was simply what they did.
“Of course, when we’re fighting them directly, we grit our teeth and swing our blades. When we see a monster hurting a teammate, we charge in to kill it. But that’s as far as it goes. We kill each other, but because that’s just the way it is, there usually aren’t any feelings beyond that.”
Chief Song’s hand curled unconsciously into a fist. I saw the corner of Seong Hyunjae’s mouth rise slowly.
“I lost several comrades too. Even if turning back time erased those events, the emotions I felt back then are still with me. And yet I’m raising monsters now. I’m even raising one of the same species as the monster that killed Yuhyun. I killed Lautitars, the Venom and Curse Dragonkin, with my own hands. But just because I run into another of the same species, I don’t fly into a rage without thinking. Painful memories come up, yes, but that’s all. I don’t feel even the slightest hostility toward Noah or Liette, or toward Gyeol and Byeol, who were born from the magic stone of a Venom and Curse Dragonkin.”
Monsters were definitely monsters that harmed people. But because that was what they had always been, hunters had gotten used to it and accepted it as natural too. No one got angry at a monster and demanded, Why do you kill humans?
“If anything, we treat monsters that don’t hurt people as the exception and accept them positively. So yes, let’s say it’s exactly as you claim, Chief Song. Let’s say you’re a monster. Then the same applies to you.”
“…Mr. Han Yujin.”
“No, from the start. Being born or made a certain way isn’t something humans are exempt from either. These days we can just buy meat at the supermarket, but in the old days, people hunted deer and caught fish and ate them. Killing to survive is practically noble compared to the rest of what humans do. It’s not like humans don’t kill other humans.”
It was true that Chief Song had taken the lives of his family. It was true that he had been made to kill many more humans. But binding himself so tightly just because he had been born that way, without any choice or intent of his own, was too cruel.
“Humans have killed far more! It’s not like the world has only had one or two lunatics in it. You’re saying you might swallow a country someday? Who knows when another Hitler might pop up among humans? There are plenty of humans who harm others maliciously, and they don’t even have the excuse that they can’t help it.”
I glanced at Seong Hyunjae as if to ask, Wasn’t I right?
“In fact, more people have died from wars than from dungeon breaks. And after dungeons became somewhat stabilized, victims of crimes between humans became a bigger problem.”
“…Crime victims are really a bigger number?”
“In America alone, there are over ten thousand homicides a year. Regions with worse public safety would be higher still. By contrast, hunter deaths are about a fifth of that.”
A fifth still meant thousands of people died in America alone… But there were that many murders? Was it because they were a country where people could own guns?
“Because dungeons have safety systems. And Song Taewon has a safety system too.”
Seong Hyunjae and I both looked at Chief Song.
A safety system.
“…My brother.”
The question did not finish forming. Chief Song lowered his head. His large palm came up and covered his own eyes.
“Yes. Song Taewon’s sacrificial lamb.”
The little brother who had helped Chief Song suppress his own power and remain human.
“…It wasn’t a sacrifice. He protected you.”
That young boy had wanted to protect his older brother. He had wanted to protect someone he loved very much.
And he had done it.
“Even now, he still is.”
“…”
“So that you can remain Song Taewon.”
I heard him let out a heavy breath. I had tried my hardest to convince Chief Song, but I couldn’t guarantee my words would reach him. But Chief Song’s younger brother was already living inside him. All of a sudden, I thought of Little Song. Maybe Chief Song had been holding his own little lamb in his arms for a very long time already.
“…I may fail in the end.”
“We’ll stop you.”
I said it with all the force I had.
His broad, rounded back trembled faintly.
“Even if our opponent is you, Chief Song, we’ll stand against you. And we’ll grieve for you. We’ll be sorry, and we’ll be sad.”
“From the beginning…”
“Because it won’t be your fault, Chief Song. Because we know you’re not that kind of person. Not just me. Everyone who cares about you knows it.”
It was quiet.
Without meaning to, I turned my head. Through the classroom window, I could see the sky. White clouds drifted across the blue.
How nice would it be if there were one clear, correct answer? But this was not something that could be neatly resolved with a single conclusion. Being born that way was not wrong. But no matter what anyone did, unless his memories were wiped away entirely, Chief Song would probably never be able to completely push away his revulsion toward himself. Yet if those memories disappeared, then the guilt he felt over his brother, the very force suppressing Eclipse, would disappear too. Chief Song would no longer be able to remain Chief Song.
“…I.”
After a long while, Chief Song’s voice reached me. It sounded deeply submerged.
“I cannot erase the thought that I should never have existed.”
His lowered head did not rise. His hand still covered his eyes.
“I don’t know.”
A rough breath cut off his words.
“What kind of… person was I?”
“A good person.”
I answered at once, without the slightest hesitation. There was no need to think about it. No need to wonder.
Seong Hyunjae nodded too.
“Universally speaking, you were a good person. Until the very end. Song Taewon always tried to save people. Before the regression, and now as well.”
At Seong Hyunjae’s words, a faint memory came to me. Chief Song had tried to accept and protect every other person, and even Seong Hyunjae, as human.
“You tried to save your brother too, Chief Song.”
“…”
“It’s true that your brother protected you. But before that, you protected him too. It started with you. That’s why your brother must have wanted to protect his hyung too. Again and again.”
Because he had been a good older brother.
I thought of the man who had always tried to remain in his proper place. Stubborn. Frustrating. And still.
“I’m taking back the monster part after all. It really doesn’t suit you.”
I laughed out loud. There might have been a little wetness mixed into the sound. No matter how I thought about it, calling Chief Song a monster just didn’t fit.
He really was a good person.
He hadn’t done anything wrong.
“Walk slowly. No, you can stay sitting for a long time too. Just please don’t give up on yourself.”
His bowed head slowly lifted. His hand lowered, revealing sunken black eyes. He blinked slowly, then looked at me and Seong Hyunjae. Deep anguish and unease stirred in his eyes.
Even so, it was better than eyes that had gone empty with despair. I was almost glad to see such clear emotions there. It meant he could express himself.
“…The two of you are troublesome, as expected.”
“I don’t have my memories of Mr. Seong, but I’m pretty sure he was worse than me.”
“It is quality over quantity. And Han Yujin, you were hardly an easy case yourself.”
I don’t think so. But since I couldn’t remember, I couldn’t argue. All that came to mind were the many incidents I had caused. For Chief Song, who looked as if all the strength had drained clean out of him, I created a large stuffed sheep.
“Hug this.”
I placed the stuffed sheep in Chief Song’s arms. Maybe he didn’t even have the strength to refuse, because he accepted it obediently.
Not everything had been resolved yet. He had only just been pulled out of the water. It would probably take a long time before Chief Song could accept the past that had surfaced.
‘And if Chief Song forgives himself and his guilt disappears… he might no longer be able to control Eclipse’s power.’
Did that mean I really did have to have it out properly with that bastard Gardener? If it was him, he might know how to control it.
“…By the way.”
Buried in the enormous sheep, Chief Song opened his mouth.
“How are you here, Mr. Han Yujin?”
“Ah, me?”
Well, about that.
I whipped around to look at Seong Hyunjae. The original reason I had come here was…
“Give me back my memories.”
Right. That.
Seong Hyunjae met my eyes and smiled. Sure, you might be strong, but I wasn’t exactly a pushover right now either.
“Right now.”
Seong Hyunjae slowly moved away. Leisurely, he opened the window and spread his wings.
And then he hopped out.
“What the—wait!”
Did that bastard seriously just run away?!
–TL Notes–
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