Chapter 291: You Need Evidence to Catch a Thief |
Li Banfeng picked up the feather duster and marched through the Pocket Dwelling, searching high and low for the missing glove.
It was not in the main room. It was not in the second room either. Then he reached the third room. There, leaning against the doorway, was the Tang saber, fast asleep. Beside it lay a heap of filthy rags.
The Tang saber was terribly fond of cleanliness. Whenever it had a spare moment, it liked to polish itself with a cloth.
Li Banfeng gave the third room one last look, then shut the door and walked away. The pile of "rags" beside the Tang saber suddenly twitched.
Because it was not a pile of rags at all! It was the glove! The sneaky little thing had rolled itself in dirt and greasy stains until it looked like nothing more than a lump of filthy cloth tossed into a corner.
Slowly, very slowly, it stretched out two fingers and began creeping across the floor. It was preparing to sneak into the storage chest.
BANG!
Li Banfeng kicked the door open, charged inside, and swung the feather duster down wildly on the glove.
WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!
It squealed as it scrambled frantically toward the doorway on its two fingers, darted into the main room, and ran straight into a cloud of steaming vapor.
SSSSS!
The steam wrapped around the glove at once, and the poor thing was nearly scalded half to death.
In complete panic, the glove scuttled toward the front door of the Pocket Dwelling. It flattened itself against the crack beneath the door and wriggled furiously for quite some time, trying to squeeze through.
It was completely useless!
Unless Li Banfeng personally carried them out, nothing inside the Pocket Dwelling could leave on its own. The glove finally gave up. It curled itself into a miserable little ball and wailed, "You can't keep beating me like this! If you beat someone to death, all of you will face legal charges!"
Li Banfeng pointed the feather duster straight at it. "Where's my wallet?"
"How should I know where your wallet went?" the glove shouted. "What am I, your servant? Am I supposed to guard your belongings for you every single day?"
The glove stubbornly refused to admit a thing, but Li Banfeng was already certain that the glove was the culprit.
For quite some time now, he had been suspicious about the Daoist Path this glove belonged to.
It moved incredibly fast, yes, but its movements were different from those of a Wanderlust Cultivator. The way it darted about was far stranger, sneakier, and much harder to follow than a Wanderlust Cultivator.
When Wanderlust Cultivators faced danger, they relied on speed and quick reactions to escape trouble.
The glove was different. It depended more on skill, timing, and an almost terrifying sense for opportunities. It reminded Li Banfeng of this cultivation path that he absolutely detested!
Thievery Cultivators!
Back in Greenwater City, he had once suffered badly at the hands of a Thievery Cultivator. Getting his wallet stolen today had dragged that unpleasant memory right back to the surface.
"You still won't admit it? Fine then! I will let the Crimson Lotus deal with you!" Li Banfeng barked as he grabbed the glove and started marching toward the sixth room.
The glove immediately began screaming at the top of its lungs. "Under the bright heavens and broad daylight, how can you slander me like this? I really didn't steal your wallet! I merely picked it up by chance!"
Li Banfeng stopped and held the glove up in front of him. "Oh? Then explain this clearly. Where exactly did you pick it up?"
"I picked it up from inside your clothes."
"Isn't that still stealing then?!"
Li Banfeng swung the feather duster again and beat the glove viciously.
WHACK! WHACK!
"There's nothing I hate more than thieves!" he scolded angrily. "A real man acts openly and honorably! If you are short on money, then go rob people properly, out in the open! Why do something as filthy and sneaky as stealing?"
The glove took off at full speed, sprinting wildly across the floor on all five fingers while dodging the feather duster in complete panic. As it ran, it suddenly coughed Li Banfeng's wallet out from its stomach.
"Stop hitting me! Stop it!" the glove cried. "You need to have evidence to catch a thief! Without proof, what right do you have to beat people?"
Li Banfeng chased after it, still thrashing away furiously. "The wallet is right there, and you still dare say I don't have evidence?!"
"I have an explanation!" the glove squealed. "I wasn't trying to steal your money! I only wanted to show you what I'm capable of!"
Li Banfeng finally paused. "Capable of what?"
The glove immediately stood upright. Using its thumb and pinky as legs, it folded its index and ring fingers like tiny arms and raised its middle finger proudly as a head. It wobbled back and forth in front of Li Banfeng as it said, "Your cultivation isn't low, and the enchanted artifacts you own are quite valuable. That Gramophone alone is obviously no ordinary obj-"
SMACK!
Li Banfeng slammed it flat onto the floor with the feather duster.
"Speak properly," he snapped. "And don't wave your middle finger at me while you are talking. And the Gramophone you talk about is not some enchanted artifact. She's my wife! From now on, you must address her as Madam."
The glove hurriedly lowered its middle finger and swapped in its index finger instead. Then it resumed wobbling back and forth as it said, "Let us not discuss your wife then. Let's talk about cultivation instead. Your cultivation is already impressive, so you should understand just how extraordinary my abilities are. When I stole your wallet from you, you didn't notice a single thing! That is my true skill!
"From now on, if you carry me with you, then no matter what treasures the other side possesses, I can steal them for you! Especially when facing powerful enemies, I can steal things you can see, and even things you cannot see.
"After only a few exchanges, the enemy's enchanted artifacts could already be in your hands! How could you possibly lose a fight like that? With abilities as incredible as mine, isn't locking me inside this room a terrible waste of talent?"
Li Banfeng shook his head. "That isn't wasting talent. At most, it's only wasting an object."
The glove gave a frosty little snort, clearly unhappy with the way Li Banfeng had described it.
Li Banfeng asked, "So in other words, you are a Thievery Cultivator instead of a Wanderlust Cultivator."
The glove immediately waved its index finger and declared, "I do not like the term Thievery Cultivator. I think I am a Wanderlust Cultivator.
"People of our Daoist Path must constantly change locations and keep moving as well. If we stay in one place for too long, we get caught very easily. Isn't that exactly the same as Wanderlust Cultivators?"
"Bullshit!" Hong Ying roared furiously. "Who the hell is the same as you, you filthy little scumbag? You shameless thief, are you asking to die?!"
The spear's aura was overwhelming. The glove was so frightened that it immediately flopped flat onto the floor again and screamed, "You need evidence to catch a thief! Without proof, what right do you have to beat people?"
Li Banfeng frowned. "Why do you keep repeating that line?"
The glove slowly climbed back up from the floor, struck its strange little pose once more, and answered while bobbing its "head" up and down, "Back when I used to get beaten, I always said that line. Eventually, it became a habit."
Li Banfeng nodded. "So you really intend to follow me now?"
The glove nodded and declared, "A wise minister chooses the right lord to serve, and a fine bird chooses the right tree to perch in.I think your character is excellent. From now on, I will gladly charge into battle for you."
"You probably said the same thing to Wu Decheng too, didn't you?"
Wu Decheng, an elder of the Pure Conduct Society, had once been the glove's master. But when the critical moment came, the glove had refused to obey him, and poor Old Wu had not even been given the slightest chance to fight back.
The glove shook its "head" solemnly. "Old Wu's character was nowhere near as good as yours. I was merely pretending with him."
Li Banfeng nodded with a faint smile. "But with me, you are being sincere and honest?"
"Absolutely!"
"All enchanted artifacts in this world come with a cost," Li Banfeng said calmly. "So tell me then. What price must be paid to use you?"
The glove tapped the table lightly with its ring finger, looking remarkably like an important official negotiating business.
"Now, talking about costs makes things sound so distant," it said smoothly. "Since we get along this well, there should be at least a bit of friendship between us.
"Whatever you want, I will steal it for you. Afterward, you simply allow me to take one item from you in return. Do not worry. It will not necessarily be anything especially valuable. If you are benefiting from this arrangement, you surely cannot let your good brother here suffer too great a loss. It is only fair that you give me a small reward afterward."
Li Banfeng lightly waved the feather duster. "Explain it more clearly."
"Let me give you an example," the glove said earnestly. "You bring me into battle, and I steal an enchanted artifact worth one hundred thousand silver dollars for you. Afterward, it wouldn't be excessive for me to take twenty thousand silver dollars in return, right?"
Li Banfeng nodded. "That's not excessive."
The glove continued, "Of course, what I take afterward will not necessarily be silver dollars. It could also be gold, jewels, paintings, antiques, or other valuables like that. In any case, the value will never exceed what I stole for you. I definitely won't let you suffer a loss!"
Li Banfeng nodded thoughtfully. "Besides those things, there are probably others too, right? Sometimes you will also want to take enchanted artifacts from me?"
"Well... not necessarily..." the glove muttered weakly.
Its voice had suddenly become much quieter. Li Banfeng had clearly struck right at the heart of the matter.
Li Banfeng continued, "And sometimes you will also need to take things directly from my body, right? My heart, liver, arms, legs, eyeballs... things like that?"
"Usually not..." the glove replied in an even smaller voice.
Li Banfeng pressed on. "And if the price is high enough, you could even take my life too?"
The glove let out a sigh. "How am I even supposed to answer that…"
Splash!
Li Banfeng picked up a pot of hot tea and splashed it straight onto the glove.
The glove shrieked miserably as the scalding tea drenched it from top to bottom. "You need evidence to catch a thief! Even if you have proof, you have to report it to the authorities! You can't just carry out private punishment like this!"
Li Banfeng turned toward the Gramophone and said, "Wifey, give him a proper lesson first. Teach him the rules of this house."
The glove still tried desperately to escape, but it was trapped firmly within Old Teapot's barrier.
Old Teapot then spoke in a patient and earnest tone. "Little Bro, you really need to change the way you charge for your services."
The glove immediately waved a finger. "Those rules cannot be changed! They are the very foundation of my existence!"
"Little Bro, I used to think the same way too," Old Teapot said earnestly. "Then I got disciplined for several months, and after that, I naturally stopped thinking that way. The final result is the same either way, so why insist on putting yourself through unnecessary suffering?"
The glove snorted coldly. "People are different, and gloves are different from teapots too. I'm not some spineless coward!"
Old Teapot sighed helplessly and poured another pot of tea over the glove.
Wifey smiled sweetly and followed up with another blast of scalding steam.
Half an hour later, all of the glove's fingers were sprawled flat against the ground. Only a single trembling index finger remained barely standing upright. It shook weakly as the glove asked in a miserable voice, "Boss... what are your orders?"
Li Banfeng said calmly, "Since you are working for me, it's only natural that I give you some compensation. But you do not get to decide what that compensation is. Whatever I choose to give you is what you take. Understand?"
The glove immediately nodded over and over again. "Whatever you tell me to do, I will do it. From now on, I will follow all your orders."
Li Banfeng said, "Words alone mean nothing. Let's sign a contract."
Normally, enchanted artifacts and their masters were supposed to sign contracts with one another. However, Li Banfeng had never bothered with such things before as he trusted all the enchanted artifacts under him.
The glove, however, was an exception. Its level was far too high, and it was overflowing with schemes and cunning tricks. Against something like this, Li Banfeng had to be on guard.
The contract itself was simple enough to write. Back at Old Mister Yao's place, the liquor gourd had written one before.
With just a few short lines, the terms were settled. The contract mostly stated one simple thing: the enchanted artifact was absolutely forbidden from betraying its master.
The glove carefully read through the contract twice. There was no telling whether it was trying to find loopholes within the wording.
The glove picked up a fountain pen from the table and was just about to sign the contract when Li Banfeng suddenly snatched the pen away and replaced it with an ink pad.
"Don't think about making up some fake name to fool me. Use a fingerprint instead!"
The glove stared at the ink pad with obvious resistance. "Do you know how difficult that stuff is to wash off?"
"Oh, I have got plenty of ways to clean it off for you," Li Banfeng said with a grin. "Now stop whining and press your fingerprint already."
The Gramophone still did not seem reassured and could not help but warn him, "Husband dear, this glove is far too wicked. It's best to keep it locked up at home and discipline it for a while longer. Once Husband reaches level six, it still won't be too late to bring it outside then."
My precious wifey, you have no idea, Li Banfeng thought. If all my cultivation levels are added together, your husband here is already at level eleven! At a level like mine, do you really think I can't keep a single enchanted artifact under control?
***
Inside the Lu Family estate, Duan Shaohong continued wiping away tears as she pleaded before Duan Shaoxia. "Little sister, please take pity on your elder sister and let me take Huaiyi away!"
Duan Shaoxia kept a dark expression and said nothing. She had long since grown sick of Duan Shaohong's endless nagging, especially when she kept doing it in front of the fake Zhang Huaiyi.
Monkey Qiu stepped into the main hall, and Duan Shaoxia immediately seized the chance to change the subject. "Qiu, has the banquet date been decided yet?"
Duan Shaoxia had already heard that Lu Maoxian was severely injured. In her eyes, this was the perfect opportunity to hold the banquet.
Qiu Zhiheng lowered his voice slightly. "Madam, we can discuss the banquet later. Miss Dongchun is here."
Duan Shaoxia froze at once. "Lu Dongchun? What is she here for?"
"She says she wishes to discuss matters concerning the Grand Old Master with you."
Duan Shaoxia waved her hand dismissively. "I am not seeing her. Just the sight of that woman is enough to make me sick!"
Author's Note:
PS: Who exactly is Lu Dongchun? Why does Madam dislike her so much?