Prologue |
Prologue
Most 17-year-olds did not expect to be lying on a hospital bed, waiting to die, but Mat wasn’t surprised.
The rhythmic beeping of the machines monitoring his vitals was the only thing keeping him company. He was alone in a room smelling of lemon disinfectant, calmly staring at the white ceiling as if it was hiding all the answers.
Why was he born with a congenital heart disease? Why did he have to die without ever getting a chance at living? Just why?
If the ceiling knew anything it was keeping it for itself.
He had been in and out of hospitals for most of his life. But this time was different, he knew he wasn’t going to get any better.
His only hope had been to receive a heart transplant, a feeble hope. He was going to die long before his name reached the top of the waiting list, and a compatible donor was found.
He understood long ago that putting his hopes on a last-minute miracle would ruin the little time he had. It was better to accept the inevitable and enjoy what he could.
He didn’t fear death. It was inevitable for everyone. Billions had died before him, many more would die after, unless someone nuked the planet and put an end to the cycle. He gave it a fifty-fifty chance, luckily it wasn’t his problem.
He would have the answer to the greatest mystery and know what came after. There might be nothingness, but maybe there was an afterlife. Either case he would soon know.
Living 18 years or 80 didn’t make much difference in the grand scheme of things. The Universe was indifferent, he was just a little speck of dust that lasted a little less than usual. Even the Earth wasn’t going to notice.
He didn’t immediately realize he was crying until he felt the wetness of the pillow.
“Fuck!” Mat yelled, or at least tried to, he didn’t have the strength to raise his voice that much. His body had betrayed him one more time.
Despite years of trying to rationalize and find peace with himself, a small part of him had hoped for a cure, a miracle. A bit of luck for once in his goddamn life.
Hope had lurked at the corners of his thoughts, luring him in with reassurances and sweet empty words. Promises that wouldn’t be kept.
The time for sweet lies was over, fate cared not if he didn’t want to die.
Mat felt like an idiot for getting mad at the unfairness of life. The world didn’t even pretend to be fair. Still the anger he thought he had let go long ago came back at him like a crashing wave.
He had never given it voice, not even complained aloud. His family was always watching him with worried gazes, waiting for him to break. He learned to dread their sorrowful expressions and pity. He knew they wanted to help, but there was nothing they could do, he couldn’t be fixed.
Their pain only served to feed his guilt. Not only was his life miserable, but he was also making the life of anyone who loved him worse.
Alone in his room, he gave voice to a long list of swears.
Normally he would have worried about what someone might think if they heard him. Now, for the first time in his life, he didn’t care.
He was angry at the world, furious. He wouldn’t even reach his twenties and the time he lived had sucked.
Why?!
A nurse came to check on him, but one glare and the continuous swearing were enough to make her retreat, he wanted to be alone.
Out of breath from the brief exertion, he returned to stare at the ceiling, at least it didn’t lie.
All people had to die and this was his time. There was no hidden meaning. The only answer was that there was no answer. That was it.
Taking a deep breath, Mat cleared his mind and let the anger flow away. Soon his life would end and it was fine. He would be free at last.
With a weak genuine smile appearing on his lips, he truly felt at peace.
Not much later he closed his eyes for the last time, his mother and sister were squeezing his hands. He was out of time. He tried to smile. He wasn’t sure if it was for them or himself.
They were saying something, probably crying, he couldn’t hear them. Soon after only a long beep remained in the room, announcing the end of his unremarkable life.
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