2044 my persistence
Tears started to pour out little by little, blurring the vision and burning the eyelids. The city outside the window gradually evolved into a familiar scene in London. Those streets, that river, and those buildings intertwined into a black and white chessboard, and finally transformed into a black and white chessboard. Become a colorless cage, imprisoning the wings that yearn for freedom.
Then, all the emotions disappeared like this, no anger, no loss, no annoyance, no confusion, just pure sadness..
He was like a lost child. Standing at the crossroads, he looked up and around helplessly, not knowing how to ask for help or where to go. He seemed to be abandoned by the whole world and could no longer find support. I couldn't find my home either, so I couldn't help but burst into tears..
He gritted his teeth stubbornly, refusing to let the sound leak out from between his teeth, and everything was stuffed in his chest, but the sadness deep in his eyes flickered and surged in the crystal clear tears. The world is falling apart bit by bit, and the muffled cries burst out with heart-breaking pain and bitterness, making people feel sad and trying to comfort them, but they don't know what to do..
Philip slowly parked the car on the side of the road and looked at Renly in the back seat quietly through the rearview mirror. He just let all his sadness be released, as if all his defenses were removed, including Philip's nose. I couldn't help but feel a little sour, that night in my memory reappeared in my mind..
It was the winter of 1993, when Renly was only four years old. It was a very ordinary night, with no strong winds and no heavy snow, just scattered light rain falling, just like countless cold winter nights in London. Generally, everything is normal.
In the early hours of the morning, Philip checked all the doors, windows and gas, and was about to end the day's work and return to his bedroom to sleep, but he found Renly in the corridor on the second floor.：
Wearing pajamas and pajamas, he left the room barefoot, squatted in the corner of the corridor, hugged his knees with his hands, buried his whole head between his knees, and sat quietly, just like that, as if his whole body Blends into the rich night, barely feeling its presence.
“Master Renly." Philip was a little surprised, because nothing special happened that night, and he could not imagine that Renly would do such an unusual thing.：
George stayed at the club for entertainment and did not return; Elizabeth went to Manchester temporarily after dinner and would not return in the evening; Elf stayed in the school library to study and would not return to the main house; Edith and Arthur both Stayed in the school dormitory and did not go home.
As for Renly, he was still reading some books in the study after dinner. When he brought the tea in, they briefly communicated for a while. Renly seemed to be reading medical books and asked him some questions. That was the whole situation. , everything is normal.
But the accident happened like this.
When Phillip called, Renly did not raise his head. The low, muffled cry came from between his knees, echoing faintly in the corridor. It was not a cry, nor a cry, but it could I feel the heartfelt sadness in that broken voice.
Renly cried quietly like that for a long time, and Philip didn't leave either, just waiting quietly by the side..
The passage of time lost its meaning. I don’t know how long it took, and then Renly’s childish voice with a thick nasal sound came from between his knees, and said a sentence that he has never been able to forget, "Philip, Am I the only one from now on?？”
Philip always treated Renly differently. He saw more things in this child, which was different from the other three children in the Hall family. His eyes could not help but stay on Renly, curious. Think about what will happen in the future, just like caring for your own children.
He knows this is wrong. He is just a housekeeper, this is just a job, and he is closely related to the fate of the Hall family, but he must also remain objective and independent and must not create too many entanglements, otherwise he will be derelict in his job. , this is not an emotion that a professional housekeeper should have.
But it's still different after all.
After that, Philip never saw Renly like that again, Renly who was so lonely, helpless, and lost..
until today.
Muffled and heavy, Renly's voice came through hoarsely and hard, revealing his vulnerability for a moment, and then he asked the same question..
Just like twenty-one years ago.
He remembers, he remembers.
Philip opened his mouth slightly, but no sound came out. He stared at Renly through the rearview mirror, his eyes full of sadness and weakness, as if there was a ball of cotton stuffed in his chest, it was so dull and uncomfortable, thinking I want to vent but can't find an outlet. I don't know what to do..
Renly raised his head, met Philip's gaze through the hazy tears, and said word by word, "Answer me." Renly, who was always calm and self-possessed, always smart and wise, seemed to be asking for help at this time. Like a lollipop child, he makes requests unreasonably and then persists stubbornly..
Renly looked at Philip with sadness, the stubbornness and vulnerability in his eyes existed at the same time, and the contradiction kept swirling in his tears in harmony, "Answer me！”
But Phillip had no way to speak, all his words were stuck in his throat, clumsy as never before..
He wants to stay, but unfortunately, he can't.
George forced Philip to come and persuade Renly. George was a baron, the head of the Hall family, and Philip's boss. As a butler, Philip didn't have much room for resistance. He could refuse and had the right to refuse, but the initiative was always firmly in his hands. In George's Hands.
Just like when Denise Stevens was used to restrain Edith.
Philip knew that George and the others would not give up. Even if he disagreed, George and the others could use different methods to coerce Renly. The methods and approaches might be different, but the result would be the same - unless Philip left voluntarily, he would Always Renly's weakness.
Philip also has his own persistence. He refuses to hurt his family for fame and fortune, he refuses to discredit others for his own sake, he refuses to abandon his dignity for the sake of survival, and he refuses to forget his pride for the sake of glory... Just like the ancient and rigid hereditary nobility, Adhere to those stupid, useless, crazy, old, ridiculous rules, and then withdraw from the stage of history amidst the natural law of survival of the fittest..
If "evolution" means giving up his persistence, then he would rather be eliminated than abandon his former self for the sake of "survival of the fittest".
Stupid, right?？
Philip knew this was stupid, but he was willing to persevere. What's more, he was already an old guy with half of his body in the dirt, and would be eliminated sooner or later. So, why not just stick to the last bit of pride, at least When death comes, he can have a clear conscience.
It's like Renly also has Renly's persistence.
Therefore, Philip chose to resign on his own initiative, bid farewell to the position he had held for his whole life, and chose to retire and return to his hometown. Perhaps, he would be eliminated by the times..
It's just...he can no longer protect Renly.
That fool who chases his dreams like a fool, that fool who rushes forward and bruises himself all over, that fool who seems to have won the world as long as he can sleep well, that idiot who walks alone because he is afraid of getting hurt, The child who ran out barefoot on a rainy day and caught a fever... He thought he would protect him until the end of his life, but now this promise cannot be fulfilled..
Twenty-one years ago, Philip replied, "Master Renly, I am here"; but twenty-one years later, Philip could no longer say these words..
Renly stared at Philip, but didn't wait for a response, and then he was heartbroken bit by bit. The anger slowly seeped out from the depths of his soul, and finally he could no longer remain calm..
“what do they want？”
“What else do they want?？”
“I have never targeted them, I don’t care, I don’t care at all! They just need to...just leave me alone like before, that'll be fine! That's all I ask for! They can enjoy everything in London and I don't care about any of that stuff! Take it! Take them all! Just pretending that each other doesn't exist, living like this without telling the truth, isn't this what they are best at?？”
“Why? Why do they always try to push the envelope? Why do they always want to have it all? All I long for is a little bit... just a little bit of freedom and warmth. Why do they still want to take it away? Why can't they let me go?？”
“They hurt Arthur and Edith, they hurt Elf, but no one would blame them, why? Because they gave us life, they can do whatever they want? Because they raised us with money, so they can trade us like tools? Because they carry the titles of father and mother, they can manipulate our lives as they please without being responsible.？”
“Why？”
“Why！”
“Now I can't even call the place where they exist 'home', and then, they will erase even your existence! Why? Does my existence have even a little weight? Doesn't your life's dedication have even a little meaning? Don't they feel even a little warmth? Don’t they all have heart anymore?？”
“What are they insisting on, and what am I insisting on? Who can tell me? Philip, answer me, God, I need you to answer me! I'm tired, I'm really tired, why are they always so greedy, why can't their desires be satisfied? Why do they always want to take over the world? Why is there no end in sight to their madness?？”
“Why？”
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