Chapter 300: A Goblin’s Tale About a Crab |
Druma sat on the edge of the fire pit with a concerned expression, watching Madeleine as she tended to Rye, who was lying on a bedroll spread across the goblin’s own bed of hay.
The archer had been in and out of consciousness since arriving a couple of hours earlier, badly wounded and insistent that they find Balthazar to warn him of something. Most of it went over Druma’s head, but he understood enough to know that if the baker was worried, that was bad, and it made Druma worried too.
“Tristan is taking way too long to bring help from town,” Madeleine said as she dropped the wet rag she had been using on Rye’s forehead in the bowl of water next to her. “I should go up there myself and check what’s going on.”
“Maddie,” the archer said with a raspy voice, raising his hand to her arm. “Calm down. I already made it all the way across the continent like this. I can hold out a little longer. Right now, you’re doing more good for me by staying by my side.”
The young woman looked down at the weary face of the adventurer and the strained smile he managed to offer her. She dropped her shoulders and a faint smile curled her lips as she sighed.
“I know. I just want to do something for you, but I feel so helpless sitting here, waiting.”
Rye let out a brief chuckle before clutching his bandaged chest wound and groaning.
“You—ow. You could help me understand what the hell happened before I arrived, for starters. Because I am so confused about whatever led to Balthazar ending up flying across the sky.”
“Druma can help with that!” the goblin exclaimed, suddenly hopping off the stone ledge and onto his feet.
“Druma want to help too,” he said. “Druma can tell friend what boss do. Help catch up!”
The baker and the archer exchanged hesitant glances at one another.
“I mean... sure?” said Rye.
“Yeah, Druma,” Madeleine said with an earnest expression. “Go ahead. That would be nice.”
The goblin bounced on his feet from side to side, grinning and clapping his hands.
“Yay! Druma tell story now!”
Suddenly he stopped and looked up thoughtfully while idly scratching his chin.
“Where should Druma start?” he mused. “Ah! Druma know!”
The goblin cleared his throat like someone about to start a speech and stood with his back straight.
“It all start when boss and friends come back from traveling and find big mountain above exploding with chocolate! Then new scary dungeon opens under mountain and boss go inside to investigate!”
“Ehh... I know, Druma,” Rye said with an awkward expression. “I was here too when that happened. We all were.”
“Shhh!” exclaimed Madeleine while placing a finger over her lips and scowling at the archer. “Let him tell his story, Rye!”
The adventurer shrank back down into the bedding with eyes wide and mouth shut.
Without seemingly even noticing their exchange, Druma carried on with his retelling of the facts.
“Boss find spooky savage skeletons with funny party gear in halls! And then dungeon make strange, magic connection with boss and name him manager. Because even dungeon know boss is good boss!”
The goblin’s audience of two exchanged slightly puzzled glances again but said nothing.
“Then adventurers start going into dungeon to explore and loot. But they not like boss, they kinda dumb, so they keep failing and coming back out beaten. Oh, and boss learn how to wear hats around that time, too!”
“How is that impor—” Rye started, but one quick glance at Madeleine made him immediately shut up again.
The goblin frowned as if focusing on something very important.
“And then boss tell friends he has system. Druma still not sure what that mean, but it sound important, so Druma think he should mention it.”
Suddenly breaking away from his deep focus, the goblin took on a cheerful expression again.
“Then Bouldy come back from trip with Pebbles! He tell Druma he meet new friends in fishing village and then dance with a king with a big starfish on his face. Druma sad he wasn’t there to see. Sound fun!”
Before his friends could even utter a question, the assistant had already taken in another big breath and carried on with his tale.
“Oh! And then Bouldy make new secret friend! Nice herb girl called Amber. She work with adventurers that spy on boss before, but now she don’t do that no more. So she friend now! Druma like her hat, too.”
Rye raised his index finger hesitantly. “That’s nice, but—”
“Oh, oh, oh!” Druma exclaimed. “Boss make other new friend too! Mason. He help make Ms. Madeleine’s new kitchen. He friend of John, and he work with rocks. If he was goblin, he’d be very important rock scientist or rock engineer, Druma think. Boss tell Druma that Mason is a mason. Druma don’t understand, but he like old man. He nice, like John.”
The wounded archer let out a quiet sigh. “Yes, Druma, I know. I’ve met Mason already.”
The goblin’s eyes grew wider and a frown formed over them.
“Druma not telling story right?” he said in a wimpy voice.
“No. No! Nothing like that!” the adventurer said quickly, before forcing a pained smile. “I... Just carry on. Please.”
“Then boss take big party inside dungeon to explore!” the crab’s assistant exclaimed, throwing his arms up and grinning. “We all go through dark spooky halls and fight spooky skeletons!”
Rye leaned closer to the baker, who was attentively listening to the goblin.
“Madeleine,” he whispered. “I was literally part of the group he’s talking about. I was there.”
“Well, I wasn’t, Rye!” she whispered back. “So shush and let me listen.”
The archer narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth, but no word came out.
“Then funny boy with orange hair show up inside dungeon,” Druma continued. “He like boss almost as much as Druma, but he not clever like Druma. Skeletons almost get him. Druma have to step in to save him. So Druma cast...” the goblin stretched his arms out and threw his head back. “BIG KABOOM!”
Madeleine clapped her hands rapidly before turning to Rye with a big grin on her face. “He said the thing!”
“But then biiiiig skeleton with nasty black goo holding it together show up,” Druma said. “And Druma no have big kaboom to use no more.”
“Oh no,” muttered the girl, smile suddenly vanishing from her face.
“But boss cor... Boss cordon... inate... Boss have everyone work together real good to fight big skeleton!” the goblin finally said after struggling with his words for a moment. “Druma think destroying bony colossus with big kaboom would be more awesome, but slaying it with Jack’s big sword was alright too.”
Rye quietly rolled his eyes.
“Then boss find big ball that turn lights back on for all dungeon halls. Druma think place is less spooky now. After that boss ask Tom to come visit and they start working on floor to attract adventurers strong enough to make it to next floor that boss said was too spooky to explore yet.”
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Adjusting his wizard hat back onto his head, Druma pondered for another moment.
“What else? Then snow start. Boss get nice warm hat from Ms. Madeleine. And... and...” He paused before grinning again. “And then boss start teaching Druma how to read!”
“Oh, oh! This is my favorite part!” Madeleine said, perking up on her seat.
Rye glanced at her with a cocked eyebrow.
“Boss teach Druma how to read words from books,” the goblin continued. “Druma learn lots of new hard words, like... pro-fit. And... ledge-r. Or in-voice!”
The adventurer blinked in confusion. “Why does a goblin know what an invoice is?”
“Druma learn other hard words too! Like coupon!”
Rye raised an eyebrow. “Coupon?”
“Yes, yes! Boss say if Druma see one on ground, pick it up. Free money!”
“Right...”
”’nyway,” said the goblin. “Then Druma use reading to read Sir Wizard’s book of spells that he give to Druma before. And now Druma is wizard and can cast spells!”
“Yay,” Madeleine muttered in a gleeful whisper.
“Druma know how to cast spell to make spark! Wanna see?!” the aspiring mage excitedly asked, hands forward and ready to cast while standing near the very flammable bed of hay the archer was lying on.
“No!” Rye blurted out, hastily reaching forward before pain made him wince and clutch his bandaged torso. “I mean... it’s alright. No need for demonstrations. Just carry on with the story.”
“Alright...” the goblin wizard said, settling back down and thinking for a moment. “So then... Oh! Big dragon lady come to visit and stay up in mountain! And Blue start training to be strong and scary like her!”
“Oh, hey, that’s around the time I left Ardville to go after Ren,” the archer said. “Finally we’re getting somewhere.”
“I should have never let you leave to go after that maniac,” the baker said with a remorseful expression while looking down at the stained bandage on Rye’s chest. “If I had stopped you, he wouldn’t have done this to you.”
The young man opened his mouth to say something, but before he could, Druma continued his retelling of the events while ignoring them both.
“Hmm... Then funny orange-haired boy meet that salesman boss don’t trust much. They partner up. Taffy tell people around continent how awesome boss is, Mr. LaTan sell fake junk to them.”
“Wait a minute,” Rye said, frowning. “How in the world would you know about that if they’re out there and you’re here?”
“Rye! Stop interrupting him!” Madeleine muttered, widening her eyes at the young man.
“But—”
“And then,” Druma said, “Ms. Madeleine’s kitchen is ready to bake, but bad fake crabs made of wood show up and start making mess. We hide in kitchen. Bouldy tell stones from walls to protect friends! Then Blue make big fire explosion that burn all fake crabs! Druma love it!”
Rye glances at Madeleine with a puzzled expression, but she simply smiles and nods her head at him in confirmation.
“See, the bad black goo stuff was all coming from bad merchant with funny-looking mustache that boss beat before,” the storyteller explained.
“Ah. Antoine. I see,” said the adventurer.
“Boss find out when big boss man of town call boss to go up to visit him.”
“You mean Mayor Bergen?”
“Yes, yes!” said Druma. “He tell boss that sale people from town want to make Mr. Tristan their boss too.”
“You mean... guildmaster?”
“That! So boss go with Mr. Tristan up to fancy dinner.” The goblin’s expression turned sad and he stared at the ground with a pout. “Druma and pond friends can’t go. Druma think it not fair. Boss’s friends from other city that came to visit could go with him. Why not Druma? He hear party had big, juicy ham on table. Druma’s mouth water all night thinking about it.”
“Druma, focus,” Rye said with an exasperated sigh. “What friends are you even talking about?”
“Oh!” the assistant said, as if snapping out of a ham-induced trance. “Ms. Olivia and Ms. Suze. They from Marquessa. Big city boss visit before winter. Druma like them! But Druma still sad they went to guild meeting and Druma did not. Druma want to be there to protect boss from bad guys... and to eat ham.”
“Alright,” said the archer. “But what bad thing happened at that meeting?”
“Evil merchant with funny mustache appear with big bald guard behind,” Druma said with an angry frown. “He poison everyone’s drink, make them all para… pyrali… make it so they all can’t move and have to listen to his annoying voice. But boss help Mr. Tristan believe he brave, like he did for Druma before, and bad merchant end up sleeping and drooling on the floor!”
“Wait, what?” Rye exclaimed with incredulity. “Tristan beat Antoine up in the city hall?!”
“Oooh, no, no! Mean merchant’s bodyguard knock him out, not Mr. Tristan,” the goblin explained.
“What?! Now I’m even more confused! Why would—”
“And then boss use nasty bottle of rum to cure everyone and merchants make Mr. Tristan their guildmaster and now Mr. Tristan is boss of them!” Druma concluded while making a little dance from side to side.
Madeleine gave the assistant another round of applause and an encouraging smile while Rye stared at them, mouth half-open and brow furrowed in confusion.
“Hmm, what more can Druma remember?” the green creature in the gray wizard hat said while scratching his chin. “Ms. Madeleine take boss to meet her granny and try roasted chestnuts in town. She also start planting dragonfruit seeds behind kitchen. Druma think they look funny.”
“Yep!” said the baker. “I can confirm all of that.”
“Oh, and then boss say something about now having maximum charisma, but Druma don’t get it.” The goblin shrugged. “Druma already think boss is most awesome boss in all the land.”
“Alright, Druma,” the adventurer lying on the hay bedding said. “That’s great and all, but when will you get to the part that explains how in the world Balthazar ended up being spat out of the volcano and flying across the sky to who knows where?”
“Ooooh, that!” howled the goblin. “Druma explain. See, boss want to go down to next floor, to the mines.”
“Yes, that part I remember from before I left,” said Rye. “He was hoping to gather some adventurers strong enough to face that floor. I take it he found them?”
“Yes, yes! Big barbarian lady show up. Thunk! Druma like Thunk. She smart like Druma. And her name is funny to say. Thunk!”
“Uhm… Alright,” the archer said.
“And then knight lady appear, clanking in her metal armor. Druma don’t understand anything she say, but Druma think she funny too. She want to join trip to mines and help, so boss let her come.”
“Got it,” said Rye. “So then you guys went down to—”
“And then Khargol join in too!” Druma interrupted.
“Really?” the surprised adventurer said. “I wasn’t expecting that, but alright. And what did you guys find down there?”
Druma’s eyes widened as he leaned forward.
“Ooooh, big mines of chocolate! And kobolds that mine it! But they have problem. Zombie ogres attack their homes! But turn out that ogres were controlled by scary leech!”
“Wait, you mean a leech like… the things that suck your blood?” the archer asked with a confused frown.
“No, no, that vampire!” Druma quickly replied. “This other type of undead!”
“Oh, you mean a lich lord?”
“Yes, yes! That what Druma say!”
Rye sighed. “Right, just… carry on.”
“So Mr. Leech chase us and kobolds around the mines with ogre army, but then CRASH! Bouldy show up with Ms. Amber on back! And then Druma jump on Bouldy’s back and make BIG KABOOM to save everyone! Because Druma is hero from prophecy on kobold wall, see? And then new kobold friend called Kole take us to special altar to get more powerful. Then we all go back to fight bad guy, with boss making real smart plan, like boss always do! Big barbarian lady and metal knight lady fight real good, but then it’s Khargol that saves the day when he goes all RAAAAGH on the zombies! Oh, OH! And ghost friend we meet during trip to Marquessa show up too, when boss whisper into shiny medallion, and he bring corpse friend with him, to help get into the lair of the mean leech! Then we all work together and Khargol break bad guy’s fill… Phil… feel-like-a-factory…”
“Phylactery?” Rye suggested.
“That! Khargol break bad guy’s thingy with his axe, and bad guy, poof, turns to dust! Everyone happy! Yay!”
“Right,” the adventurer said, rubbing the back of his head. “I have so many extra questions now”
“Ah! Oh!” Druma exclaimed, jumping from side to side again. “Druma almost forget! Then mean adventurer called Flint try to hurt new friend, Amber, but boss turn Bouldy into wood—because Flint can magic rocks—and he save her, punching mean guy and sending him flying to the sky!”
“Got it,” the archer said, looking as if it wasn’t just his chest hurting anymore, but his head too. “But speaking of things flying through the sky, let’s try to focus here—how does any of that lead to Balthazar blasting off from inside the volcano?”
“Yes, yes, that! Then we all go down past mines, and boss find biiiig metal gate blocking way to something important. Boss don’t know how to open gate, so we leave. But now boss feel sad, because he really want to see what is behind gate. Maybe boss think it has shinies? Druma don’t think it has pie there. Maybe really big ham?!”
“Druma, please!” said the exasperated young man. “Focus!”
“Right, right!” the goblin said, vigorously nodding his head and hat up and down. “Then boss celebrate Festus with everyone and when he go to sleep, boss has dream. Next morning boss get up and go to place of dream and find key to gate there like a present! But boss decide to go down to gate alone without friends, he tell Druma he don’t want to put friends at risk no more. Druma don’t think boss is right, but Druma also think boss is never wrong, so Druma feel confused.” The goblin paused, stared at the dirt below his feet, and sighed before continuing. “So boss open gate, go inside, hear lots of strange voices from memories in walls, and then mountain core get angry about boss’s level and tries to kick him out! Boss run, but mountain shoots him out with big chocolate explosion! BOOOOM! Boss fly out of mountain and through the sky!”
Madeleine erupts into enthusiastic clapping as she smiles at the goblin, who is now taking a bow that nearly causes his wizard hat to fall from his head.
“Good job, Druma!” she said. “I was captivated throughout the whole thing!”
Meanwhile, Rye stares at the floor with a mix of deep confusion and disbelief.
“I… How… That’s…” he mumbled, as if unable to find the right thread to pick on from the tangled mess of thoughts swirling in his mind. “Hey, wait a minute, Druma. If Balthazar went in there alone and got shot out of the volcano to parts unknown like we all saw a few hours ago, how in the world could you possibly know all those details there at the end?”
The goblin adjusted his hat firmly back onto his head and approached the adventurer’s bedding with a dead serious expression.
Standing next to the archer, Druma brought his wide gaze close to him until his nose was nearly touching the young man’s, and then he whispered.
“Maaaaagic.”
