Epilogue 1: Cooking with Crescent. |
Beer cold and ready, Alden leaned backward. His new apartment's wide screen count the seconds down to zero. In the corner, the number of viewers had topped sixty million and it was still increasing. Yoko joined him, sitting delicately in shorts which was always distracting. She gave him an amused smile.
“Big fan, uh? Should I be jealous?”
“There is a special guest today,” he replied, not rising to the bait.
The screen lit up over a pastoral scene of purple grass undulating lazily under a calm wind. A rustic table had been set to a smattering of ingredients. For once, Crescent stood to the side in a strange outfit straddling the line between announcer dress and armor. It was white and silver, complimenting her monochrome skin well. She looked like a successful circus show assistant.
Front and center was Riel in his signature robe. Riel had always been a bear of a man, yet even he looked tiny in comparison to the massive alien standing by his side.
“Ah?” Yoko exclaimed. “She got him?”
“He does owe her a favor.”
Yoko gently kicked him. Alden chuckled until Riel began to speak, voice as gentle as in the historical shows. That was going to take some getting used to.
“Hello everyone, and welcome to the episode of Cooking with Crescent. Today we’re making a Lebanese favorite: kibbeh.”
“Kibbeh is a specialty from the Levant and particularly Lebanon and Syria, but you can find kibbeh all the way to Latin America. Though kibbeh appears basic at first glance, it’s still a delicate dish that requires your attention every step of the way, but don’t worry. It’s not rocket science.”
“Can we trust him on that?” Alden asked.
Yoko frowned. Riel was not a ‘rocket scientist’ per se, but who knew what math people were capable of?
“First, the ingredients. For kibbeh, we’re going to need bulgur. Bulgur is cracked parboiled wheat kernels, a bit specific so for this recipe I’ll be using good old Earth bulgur which I personally purchased in Beirut. As for you there will be links to specialty stores based on location in this video’s description if you don’t know where to find it.”
Sponsors already? Damn, those guys worked fast.
“So if you buy bulgur for this recipe and you end up with too much, just toss some of it in your salads and soups. It’s delicious, with good texture and reasonable fiber content. Our next ingredient is nuts which we picked from those trees over there.”
Those nuts looked triangular which was a little strange and made Alden really want to taste them, but alas.
“Oil. Onions, although I will be using a local root vegetable found by my lovely assistant for this recipe.”
Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.
“It’s poisonous,” Alden immediately said. “She picked a poisonous root.”
And at the exact same moment, Crescent’s neutral face twisted into the toothiest, most evil grin he had ever beheld.
“She absolutely picked a poisonous root.”
“A dip with me using hummus. Unsweetened yogurt will work just as well. Spices. Now you can mix and match, however for this we will be going with garam masala, cinnamon, clove, black pepper, nutmeg, coriander seeds, and cumin. If you are concerned you can just buy a kibbeh spice blend.”
No doubt through yet another link in the description. Alden respected the hustle, to be fair.
“And the most important, the meat. Now, traditionally this is done with ground lean beef, but since we’re on a different plane of existence, my lovely assistant will be sourcing it from a unique kind of meat: the grub of a queen ravager mole, a highly aggressive subterranean predator.”
He clasped his hands. A wormhole immediately opened next to Crescent. The light of the foreign star shone on a deep cave lit by luminescent mushrooms.
Alden didn’t have the time to truly see the queen ravager mole, but he got a vague impression of rock-like scales, claws as large as sword, a screech, and a whirlwind of abominable fury. Crescent flew in, a slowed down footage on a smaller window to the right showing her throwing a hook in the fanged jaw of some nightmarish monster. The titanic punch sent the mole crashing against a far wall. Crescent then dragged a squirming pink beast through the aperture, its feeble limbs uselessly flailing in the air.
Riel resumed his explanation while in the background, a low hiss was silenced by a dull ‘thonk’. Crescent dragged the spasming, decapitated carcass to a processing table. The following scene of bloody butchering only went to prove the alien was an old hand at it, if a bit too enthusiastic perhaps.
“Before we begin with the filling, I’ll be roasting my nuts using an air fryer.”
“Will you be roasting your nuts, Alden?” Yoko said with her hand going for a squeeze.
Alden blocked the treacherous blow, knowing she was kind of asking for his attention. He riposted with a pinch of her belly. The surprise attack went unchallenged. He grabbed her into a side hug before she could finish squealing. By then, Riel had the unslotted nuts in a portable air fryer with a ten minute timer.
“... thanks to my invention, the Bag of Plenty which will be available to the public very soon.”
So he was even shilling his own products. Honestly, Alden respected the hustle even though this was the kind of high-level gleam gear he would never even touch. By then, Crescent was bringing great strips of lean and obviously tender meat which went through a meat grinder, manual this one — Riel was a bit of a traditionalist.
“We will start with the ground meat, diced onions, and spice for our filling. What we want is a good browning so the inside of the kibbeh doesn’t get soggy. While this cook, I will start on the shell. For this we will use the soaked bulgur, more ground meat and the same spices. You will find the suggested quantities in the description. Use your fingers to massage the mix until homogeneous. There we go. Now that it’s done I’ll add my nuts to the filling.”
“Don’t,” Alden warned.
“When cooking the filling, remember to stir it or some of the meat will stick to the bottom and burn. If you’re concerned about your speed, you can finish the filling and set it aside first. I can get away with it because I’m fast.”
No shit.
“Once the shell is mixed in, for a golf-sized ball then gently dig a pocket in. This is one of the more delicate parts of the recipe. Take your time to make absolutely sure there are no leaks. Just so.”
Another zoom showed Riel’s massive bear mitts creating proper shapes. He did it half a dozen times at slow speed to really show the proper technique. Alden nodded. He would probably be watching this one a few more times. In the corner, viewer count was getting close to a hundred millions. Crescent was going to make bank. Good on her, honestly.
“Add in the filling, then close the kibbeh in the shape of a rugby ball. Like so.”
Alden watched with rapt attention until he noticed the background again. Crescent was busy tossing discarded entrails in the maw of a massive black shark which had appeared out of nowhere. The shark then went for the arguably more appetizing pile of harvested muscle. Crescent objected. Wrestling ensued, a fast struggle that Riel studiously ignored.
“Now you can deep-fry kibbeh, but I will be using the air fryer as it is more convenient and I have it on hand.”
The background war for meat ended with Crescent lightly biting the shark’s tail fin, not enough to draw blood but enough to convey a message. The attack caused the shark to retreat with a hiss of displeasure.
“Use oil spray if you have it. I will apply it with my bare hands. Ten minutes is enough at 190 degrees celsius. And now I will be using a bit of time magic.”
This time, the montage was quite clean though the remains of some massive snake could be seen planted on top of a spear some distance in the background. Crescent stood in the same position though her dress was now stained beyond recovery. It was time for the degustation and Alden had to admit, he would probably buy hummus as well.
“Remember to let it cool. Hmm, delicious.”
There was a short pause during which Alden leaned forward.
“My mouth feels a little numb,” Riel said with a frown. “What sort of wild onions did you say you picked?”
Alden shook his head.
As expected.